From Russia With Dave - 8/9/2012

Back after one month y'all, or you guys, or people.  One month.  Maybe a little more.  But less than one year.

Looking out my window now at a deceptively sunny day, deceptive blue sky and sunshine deception.  Yes Petersburg weather I remember yesterday when I looked out and saw the exact same image, decided to go sunbathe on the lawn in front of St. Isaac's, was laying face-up, shirtless, Banana Boat on my body, feeling the warmth and rays of what summer should feel like, not a care in the world, drifting in my happy place... and BOOM spontaneous combustion-like pouring rain pelting me on the face.  Black clouds and sheer misery.  I haphazardly packed my shit up like a ballerina on a pogo stick and swiftly skedaddled on home, drenched.  No sooner had I got home, dried off, cuddled in my bed with massive blanket and pillow action, giving up on any idea of outside activities for the day, when BOOM bright shiny sunshine appeared, virtually cloudless skies, blistering warmth.  As if rain hadn't been seen here since the days of old magic.  I was extremely comfortable in my bed but I didn't want to miss an opportunity to get some more sun on my vitamin D-deprived skin.  Packed up my shit, made some food, lingered a bit longer in my room like a ballerina in a room full of mirrors when BAM torrential rains.  Like a snap of the finger the world became gray and merciless.  People-scattering-like-

roaches RAIN.  As if it was all a joke, or a riddle, or sudoku.  To make a longer story shorter after another 45 minutes or so the sun was back out again smiling away like nothing ever happened, then the sun and rain were out together like bosom buddies (Tom Hanks, Peter Scolari) then everybody and everything just gave up and went to the bar.  

Though gripe as I may, Petersburg, your unpredictability is what keeps me here day after day.

What else has been going on?  I'll tell you what else has been going, a whole lot of karaoke, that's what's been going on.  My Petersburg friends reading this will laugh as I describe the bar that has become such an integral part of our lives - POISON.  Yes in the drunk district of Petersburg there lies a little alcove of rock n' roll karaoke goodness called Poison.  Small, dark, damp, smoky place who's claim to fame is free karaoke, ALL in English, all night long (closes at 7am).  This has become a kind of summer cottage for me, room and board included.  Why do I like to go there?  Well, there's not a lot of things more entertaining in the world than hearing a bunch of drunk Russians sing at the top of their lungs "My Heart Will Go On", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Hit the Road Jack", "Barbie Girl", "Thunderstruck", or some damn Nickelback song.  Especially if they get hand and hip movements involved.  Why else do I like to go there?  Because there's also not a lot of things more entertaining than listening to MYSELF singing "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)", "Stuck in the Middle With You", "Dancing With Myself", "Sweet Child O' Mine", "Twist and Shout" or some damn Ronnie James Dio song.  Especially if hand and hip movements are involved (which they inevitably are).  It's really funny when I get really into it (usually around 3am), singing from the depths of my soul, eyes closed, neck veins popping, fists pumping, and microphone twirling.  Poisoned.  And some devilish wise guy put a disgusting 24hr fast food place right next to it.  Oh yes...

Turning now to politics.  Vladimir Putin is once again skipper aboard the cruise liner Mother Russia and the knots of society are being tightened.  Honestly though I have mixed feelings about Uncle Putin.  On the one hand I understand that during his time in power he has done some substantially good things for Russia and Russians to which he should be given credit for, but on the other hand I can see the classic situation of time immemorial of a leader getting drunk with power and thinking that "no one else has the ability to run this country except me."  And actually I wouldn't mind having a beer with him, but then again I wouldn't mind having a beer with practically anybody (except Colin Firth and Ewen MacGregor).  I guess only time can tell what the ultimate results of the Putin Era will be but I have a feeling history's not gonna be too kind to Uncle Vlad if he continues tightening the knots.  In the past few months legislation has been passed restricting homosexual activities (in St. Petersburg and a few other cities so far), certain internet sites, unauthorized rallies, and non-governmental organizations funded from abroad.  I'll just give two kinda ridiculous examples of these laws being put into use.  The St. Petersburg parliament initially gave consent for the cities first authorized gay event to be held way out in the outskirts of the city.  Then about a week later and only two days before the event they turned around and revoked the authorization.  Why?  Well the law in place is against "homosexual propaganda directed at minors".  The parliament argued that the organizers got an authorization to hold a rally "against the discrimination and beatings of homosexuals" but, according to them, the organizers of the rally advertised it as a "gay pride" parade in newspapers that might be seen by minors.  Authorization revoked.  And 8 people were arrested who still showed up.

Another example of these laws in (counter-productive) action.  Recently it was the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death and a small stationary gathering was held outside the US consulate in memory of MJ.  Just a bunch of MJ fans paying their respects.  But it was hastily dispersed by police because it was an "unauthorized rally" and didn't have approval from City Hall.  The officers thought they were being "Bad" and told them to "Beat It", they didn't care if you were "Black or White".  The MJ fans said "Leave Me Alone", we're not "Smooth Criminals", we just wanna "Jam" and try to "Heal the World".  The officers then asked if they "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" and told them to "Remember the Time" when we put your friends in a horrifying jail cell.  The fans responded that it was only "Human Nature" to celebrate MJ's life but the officers cut them off and said hey if you wanna look at the "Man in the Mirror" and see splotchy red blotches on your face then  "Give In To Me".  The fans dispersed like a "Speed Demon".

Last juicy morsel before I leave.  Usually in Russia you have problems with the hot water being shut off for one reason or another.  If any of you remember I had some interesting experiences with cold showers in winter when I first arrived.  So last week I was alone in the flat and thought to myself "self, how 'bout a little body cleansing action?"  So I decided to hop on in the shower for a few minutes of unadulterated refreshment.  BUT on this particular day at this particular hour the COLD water was shut off and I was treated to a burning, scalding hot shower.  I could only put my hand under the water for a moment and splash it on my face.  Scalding.  BUT, and I shit you not, in the middle of this hell-fire torturous refreshment, the COLD water was suddenly switched on and the hot water was suddenly switched OFF.  Hell-fire torment turned into glacial frostbite in a matter of seconds.  I was like a ballerina on speed doing the Macarena trying to adjust to the sudden, drastic change in temperature.  Flesh wiggling about and contorting in such a way previously unknown to mankind.  Later I learned there was a plumber outside tinkering with the water controls.  Haha, good one dude, you got me there...

Though gripe as I may, Petersburg, your unpredictability is what keeps me here day after day.

Until next time

From Russia With Dave - 6/28/2012

Hello all,

Blimey it’s been a year since my last letter to you.  12 months.  More than 365 days.  375. Well anyway here we go with the 2012 version of the Russian fright fest.  And as usual this letter was begun many months ago so it’s a little mix of the old and new.  Mostly old.  Like the vegetable caviar in my fridge.  Which I think is actually growing vegetables again with the help of some unidentified greenish black furry stuff.  Not for petting. 

So since the last time we talked the leaves turned golden and fell everywhere in sight.  Which means that the girls replaced their photos of them laying by an anonymous swimming pool with them holding a bushel of leaves by their face in some artsy pose.  Which in turn was followed by photos of them buried in snow with nothing but the cotton ball on top of their furry hats showing.  Which has now turned back again into the anonymous swimming pool bathing suit shot.  Seasons dictate behavior here. 

But I’m here in my warm office at my warm desk flanked by trinkets of all imaginable types.  Me and the guy who sits next to me, who happens to be named Egor (which is hilarious) have amassed a very nice decorative collection of knick-knacks amongst ourselves.  We’ve got a potted plant between our desks, some sort of palm, which we have decorated with seashells of all types, hanging skeletons, hanging surfboards, a ship in a bottle, a black elephant from Thailand, a golden camel from Dubai, a little red car, and another dismembered skeleton.  Next to the plant between our desks there is a small cactus, another standing skeleton, two beer candles, a metal figure depicting a dead corpse on an autopsy table (Egor is the mortuary equipment salesman), a small bust of Napoleon, and a wooden flute from Bali.  Next to all this shit is a large old-style globe, you know the kind where you can open it and store booze.  It’s a kinda funny story about this globe.  It was a gift from our regional Siberian manager to our director.  I’m sure he was very proud to present it to our director for his birthday.  Probably a lot of time, effort and money went into acquiring this very nice globe.  He probably had visions of it sitting proudly in the conference room for all guests to see and for it to be stored with only the highest quality cognac and vodka.  Well, hate to say it buddy but when this globe arrived at our office, the director let me put it near my desk and then me and Egor proceeded to adorn it with a bright flower lei from the Canary Islands and large pink and yellow bunny ears from an animal-themed party we had in the office (more on that later).  And also, sorry my Siberian friend but hiqh-quality booze is not what we chose to fill your beloved globe with.  High-quality hardwood floor cleaner would be a more accurate description.  Hey, gotta get those hardwood floors glossy.  So that’s kind of a general description of what I’m looking at right now.

This just in.  I just received an email from a doctor which contained this paragraph I’d like to share with you.  See if you can guess the sentence which makes me laugh:  “Now, thank you for your informations and the programme of the Seminar. I will do my very best, and I am satisfied that there will be no time limitations for my three presentations. Nevertheless, I will be able to shorten the presentations, especially the long lecture on "Non-rhabdomyosarcomatous malignant soft tissue tumors ..." if absolutely necessary.”  Um, yes doctor, for heaven’s sake please shorten that lecture.   And I hope that “…” at the end didn’t mean there was more to that lecture’s title.  Such as “Non-rhabdomyosarcomatous malignant soft tissue tumors and the Rights of Man” or “Non-rhabdomyosarcomatous malignant soft tissue tumors and their expression in 20^th century Animation.”  Geez.  If I ever have a malignant soft tissue tumor, I really hope that it’s non-rhabdomyosarcomatous.  That would just be the pits.  But I kid about serious things.  I think all tumors were created equally and should have equal protection under the law, rhabdomyosarcomatous and non-rhabdomyosarcomatous alike.  I don’t want to live in a world where the non-rhabdomyosarcomatous have to drink at different water fountains.

Well ok now that we got that taken care of what else has been happening?  Work at the distribution company is going good.  I’ve been having to work a lot with people from Cyprus lately (the Greek part of the island) and I think now I can understand why the Greek world is in such a financial apocalypse.  They simply don’t work.  I’ve never ever experienced a company such as this Cyprus one take so many holidays and leave the office so early.  There’s about an hour window where you’ll be lucky to catch them on the phone, otherwise there out on multi-hour lunches, or left the office early, or just bluntly took the day off.  And every single time I get them on the phone, no matter which person I’m speaking to, they always (always) start with a question about the weather then giggle at whatever answer I give.  Can you trust people that are constantly asking about the weather?  I’ve also begun teaching a few classes again so it’s back to working two jobs again.  I’ve become an expert at making the initial “How was your weekend” question last for half an hour.  But still coming up against heavy resistance when trying to explain the word “assertive”.  Try it for yourself.  How do you explain that to a bespectacled Russian IT analyst named Vladislav?  Or how about when they ask you what “get it on” means?  I also have a student who’s obsessed with the word “capture.”  He basically uses it as a substitute for the word “get.”  For example he’ll say, “Yes today I try to capture new client for the bank”, or “I watch my daughter learning to swim and I capture new feelings inside me”, or “I captured my first hot dog yesterday”, or “I will try to capture iphone when I go to Finland.”  Hey surfer-boy capture me iphone.  If Marvin Gaye’s hit song ever retrospectively becomes a hit in Russia it should be titled “Let’s Capture It On.”  And that reminds me I’m tired of capturing the flag, now I just want to get it.  Get the flag.  Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

I’ve got in with the local translation crowd here in Petersburg.  You know you’re working at the wrong company when you visit the offices of a Russian-English translation company and the first thing you encounter is a large, handmade bar prominently displayed with every type of alcohol imaginable.  So every Tuesday evening this company has little get-togethers which they cleverly call “Tranny Tuesdays”.  And their bar even has a name – the Zanooda bar.  “Zanooda” in Russian roughly translates to something like “anal-retentive geek”.  What a name for a bar that would be:  The Anal-Retentive Geek Bar.

So how about some political stuff.  Right now is a very interesting time in Russian politics.  In December they had parliament elections which many considered to be fraudulent and mass protests erupted.  I saw one video from a polling station where eraseable pens were used.  Haha.  People would mark in their votes then afterwards someone would erase it and mark something else.  Haha.  Cracks me up.  I think eraseable pens are probably my favorite invention ever.  I remember when I first used an eraseable pen in 4^th grade and it was like a mystical revelation.  A pen that you can erase?  Where were u on that one Albert Einstein?  E=MC2.  And that E stands for Eraseable pen.  In Planet of the Apes, Charlton Heston used a talking doll as evidence of human ingenuity.  The Apes weren’t impressed.  Well duh, how can you be impressed by a talking doll, or a talking Ape for that matter, when erasable pens exist?  Yeah Marty McFly cruised around on a hover board in the future, but did he have an eraseable pen in the back pocket of his white-washed jeans with no belt?  That’s what I want to know. 

So back to the protests.  Yes they happened and yes they served as a sort of novelty entertainment venue for me and many others, including Vladimir Putin.  The symbol of the protests was a white ribbon, and on national TV Putin said at first he thought the protests were centered on AIDS awareness and that the white ribbons were actually condoms.  Haha.  Oh Putin.  One day I even went protest hunting, but sadly all I found were a couple tiny babushkas trying to give me discount coupons to the nearest sushi bar (which I gladly accepted).  But for many people they are serious and they are shaking things up a little here.  There’s a constant “wait and see” atmosphere of what effect the protests will have on future policy and most importantly the presidential elections in early March.  As I’m sure you all heard Vladimir Putin will most likely be returning to the presidency this year.  Three months ago I would’ve said that Putin was merely canceling presidential elections this year and appointing himself.  After these protests though it’s not such a simple story.  Definitely he’ll probably win, but it won’t be such a walk in the park for him.  He’s had to distance himself from his party which were accused of election violations (United Russia) and instead is running under his other creation, the All-Russia People’s Front.  Debates are still out of the question, but if they did happen I’m sure they’d be as vitriolic and smeary as American debates.  As for Putin returning to the presidency after his little ipad-dorky sidekick kept the seat warm for him these last 4 years most Russians I know are dismayed about this but none of them are surprised.  But there was a glimmer of dissent a while ago when the unthinkable happened.  Vladimir Putin was booed by the crowd at an MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fight when he went in the ring to congratulate Russia’s Fedor something-or-other for his victory over America’s Jeff Monson.  It was probably the single biggest PR debacle Putin has ever had inside Russia.  Hilarious.  I just love how Putin was inside the ring at an MMA fight.  I’m surprised (and a little disappointed) that he had a shirt on.

Going back to the elections it’s just funny to compare the campaign processes of America and Russia.  In Russia it’s more of a funeral march, in America it’s more of a soap opera circus.  In Russia there’s virtually no campaign coverage of any sorts and many people would be hard-pressed to tell you any of the opposition candidates.  In America I think the campaign trail starts almost two years before any votes are cast and the candidates are in the headlines daily with the latest dirty laundry.  In Russia it could be well known that a candidate keeps a personal harem of mistresses and the populace wouldn’t bat an eye, in America if a candidate pinched a girl’s bottom 10 years ago they might as well go live in a leper commune.  In America people say “Yes We Can”, in Russia people say “Can We Drink”.  Haha, nice one Dave, just slip that in there.  Perpetuate the stereotypes, atta boy!

Democracy still has a ways to go to be firmly entrenched in Russian politics (if ever) but basically as long as people aren’t hassled on the streets and are free to travel as they like, buy what they like, and do business as they like (mostly), they prefer to stay out of politics. There’s not a really good history of people going against the system here.  I imagine many people think to themselves “hey, at least it’s not Stalin”, which actually is a good point.   It seems to me the Russian government’s point of view of democracy is:  “why should there be the possibility of having a gridlocked and disunited governing body in this huge sprawling country where a lot of people still go to work with a hammer and sickle (not really).  And how are those same semi-Asiatic, pseudo-peasants supposed to choose a proper candidate?  No, better to have government for the government by the government.”  For better or worse this is how Russia has been run since the very beginnings of the Muscovite state about 600 years ago and it’s gonna take more than 20 years of democratic growing pains to bring in this new, alien system of democracy.  Russians don’t really like big changes.  Usually when change happens here it’s forced on the population from the top down.  Whether it was feudalism, Orthodoxy, empire, westernization, communism, totalitarianism, industrialization, computerization, capitalism, or democracy.  All these things have for the most part been unwillingly forced on the people and it was never a clean or full transition.  Modern day Russia has traces of all those elements in a big melting pot of confusion and identity crisis. A gold mine for social observers.   Does Russia want to be part of the West, part of the East, or something in between?  That is the question Russia has been asking itself without an answer for hundreds and hundreds of years.  Russia understands that it needs the West but it resents that need at the same time.  Massive self-consciousness with tinges of an inferiority complex coupled with massive over-compensation.  A deep, suffering soul wearing Armani clothes and gold Rolexes.  Simultaneously unbelievably hospitable and unbelievably suspicious. 

So with all of that said democracy never was a grassroots national movement and because of that it doesn’t have a strong foothold in the Russian political mentality.  A good metaphor would be giving a child his older brothers football gear.  It’s too big for him and he doesn’t know how to use it.  He needs to grow into it and learn the rules of the game.  And that’s where we’re at now in Russia.  The democratic child is growing and learning, albeit slowly.  But the faintest breeze of change is in the air and it’s very exciting to be living here right now.  I can’t think of another country in the world which so beautifully and mysteriously encompasses the word ‘contradiction’.  And I can’t think of a more interesting place to live for the inquisitive, culturally-curious foreigner.   

Thanks everyone you’ve been a great audience.  Mind you, this information is dated, I’ll be coming back shortly with part 2 of this letter with all the glorious updates.  And yes I did just use the phrase “mind you”.  That’s what happens after visiting too many British pubs.  Kinda like the first word I used in this seemingly unending letter.  Ok bye.