Hi everybody, I’m back with or without a vengeance.
So the first day of snow was officially on Oct. 15. Temperatures are hovering around freezing and this winter is supposedly supposed to be colder than last winter! Remember how hellish last winter was? Well I do. Hopefully the stores will have more shovels this time and the incidents of shovel-related store scuffles (beatings) will decrease. But I doubt it.
So whats happened since last time we talked, whenever that was. My kidney stones are much better as long as I have a steady diet of water and more water. My diet has had to thoroughly be adjusted to face this new challenge and probably it’s for the better. And also now I can join the elite ranks of men complaining about debilitating physical ailments and using those ailments as excuses not to do things. “Oh, sorry man, I’d love to help you pass out flyers advertising pirated copies of Eat Pray Love to pedestrians but you know these damn kidneys…”
Remember the new job I talked about on my last email. I don’t either really so I’ll tell you again. For the last month and a half I’ve been working as Foreign Relations Manager at a medical distribution company called BioVitrum. So far the job has consisted of developing relationships with our international suppliers, Americans, Europeans, Asians you name it. Not too many Africans though. Not too many suppliers of advanced in-vitro diagnostic medical equipment coming out of Angola (or Chad for that matter). So I take part in the meetings, take part in the wining and dining of potential suppliers and use my unabashed likeableness to make the foreigners feel a little more comfortable about bringing their products to Russia aka The Black Hole. That’s actually a term we use to describe the information concerning the Russian market for advanced medical equipment, The Black Hole. What I’ve learned so far about doing business in Russia is that success is about 95% based on getting in with the right people. Also there are necessities of getting anything done in Russia which everybody knows about, everybody knows is wrong, everybody knows won’t change, and nobody talks about and on we go. Also a big part of the job has been creating all the content for our new international website and brochures. Basically making the company sound cool to foreign ears. Cause Russians aren’t exactly suave and comforting advertisers in the western sense. “Here is our company. It is big company. We have big turnover. Now go back to sunny tropical paradise where you come from.” My roommate Sergey works in the same office and he refers to me sometimes as the “Hallelujah” manager. A lot of people speak English at the company but many don’t which is always hilarious. By necessity my Russian has dramatically improved in the last couple months. And water cooler gossip is the same in Russia as it is in America as it is probably everywhere in the world (except Africa). International English should be replaced by International Water Cooler Gossip. Maybe I can teach a class on that. Effective Water Cooler Gossip. Speaking of teaching yeah I’m still doing that but it’s not interesting. So I’m busy now, workin two jobs which means nights and weekends I just CRASH and crash hard.
As many, some or none of you know Arnold Schwarzeneggar, yes our governor, was in Moscow a week ago scouting out hi-tech investment opportunities with some Silicon Valley bigwigs. His exact words were that Russia was a “gold mine” for investors. Russians just roll their eyes when they hear that. As one of my students told me ‘they’re trying to invest in nanotechnology but they haven’t yet invested and built suitable roads.” The roads here really are hell. Ah, that reminds me of the funniest joke I’ve ever heard come out of Russia. Maybe the funniest joke I’ve ever heard period. So a Russian tells me “most people in the world can stare at two things without getting bored: fire and water. But in Russia we can stare at 3 things without getting bored: fire, water, and other people working.” Hahahhahahahhahahhah. Any crew of street workers here will prove that point.
I had a long discussion with one of my students about life in the Soviet Union which was very eye opening. Here are the highlights. In the Soviet Union: most people made many of their own clothes – knitting classes were mandatory in school as were household fix-it classes cause there just weren’t these services available; everybody used the same Bulgarian shampoo which only required you to wash your hair once a week; restaurants & cafes were only used for extremely special occasions; mandarin Oranges were considered a hardcore delicacy which were only eaten at New Years holiday; all food stores (they weren’t exactly “supermarkets”) all had the same food products to buy which consisted of one or two varieties to choose from, so in other words there wasn’t an entire 3-shelf row dedicated solely to cereals; to make a longer story short everyone at the same food, drank the same beverages, wore the same clothes, traveled to the same holiday spots, used the same soap and shampoo, wore the same shoes, listened to the same music, had the same hairstyle, and watched the same TV programs – all cartoons had a moral theme to them by the way. It is a little unimaginable but it was real, and there are people here who are nostalgic for that life of stifling conformity yet reassuring stability. And when the Iron Curtain came down and the Russian market became flooded with western goods I guess it was a matter of months before all the old products completely disappeared from the shelves. Sorry guys no more once a week Bulgarian shampoo, now we wash our hair everyday with this stuff called “Head & Shoulders”. Head & Shoulders? But you don’t have dandruff. Exactly.
And last story. I recently visited a Russian Zen monastery. I’ll let that sink in before I explain. Ok. Now I’ll explain. A student of mine who just got interested in the ways of Zen was going to a Zen lecture given by a visiting French Zen master and asked me to come along. I thought why the heck not, I used to be interested in Zen and it’d be interesting to see the Russian style of this extremely non-Russian philosophy. So I got there, it was a medium sized room in the Oriental style (I’m still not sure if Oriental is an acceptable word anymore), and the first thing I noticed was that everybody had exotic sitting pillows. Everybody except me. My student worked a pillow out for me and I was set. For some reason my student wanted to sit in the very first row so there I was in the first row of this class of about 30 Russian Zen enthusiasts. Everybody was sitting quietly doing something that looked like meditation waiting for this Zen master to arrive. I was kinda just sitting there looking around trying hard not to laugh. Then the Zen master came in, this little French woman who had a striking resemblance to James Coburn. So to make another longer story short I sat there for just over 3 hours listening to a treatise of Zen practice in French, translated into Russian by a bald woman in a black kimono. And then there was about 20 minutes of silent zen meditation which absolutely terrified me cause I was sure I would break out in uncontrollable laughter at any minute. Everybody got into the lotus position, which was hilarious, and did the whole zen thing like you’re picturing. So I tried to follow suit, which was hilarious, but the closest I got to the lotus position was straight up cross-legged Indian style. Then I had to put my fingers into those weird positions and sit perfectly still and straight and “concentrate on my breathing”. I say I “had to” cause this little French James Coburn-incarnated-into-female-flesh Zen master was going around to everybody and correcting and critiquing their position. Don’t tread on me James Coburn. But in reality the only thing I was concentrating on was the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger I was gonna reward myself with for sitting thru this 3 hour Franco-Russo Zen Torture Chamber.
And now after that here's some more things Russians go crazy over: all things Sherlock Holmes, House (TV show), How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, all things David Duchovny, sour cream,
Ok that’s all for now.
Until next time.
So the first day of snow was officially on Oct. 15. Temperatures are hovering around freezing and this winter is supposedly supposed to be colder than last winter! Remember how hellish last winter was? Well I do. Hopefully the stores will have more shovels this time and the incidents of shovel-related store scuffles (beatings) will decrease. But I doubt it.
So whats happened since last time we talked, whenever that was. My kidney stones are much better as long as I have a steady diet of water and more water. My diet has had to thoroughly be adjusted to face this new challenge and probably it’s for the better. And also now I can join the elite ranks of men complaining about debilitating physical ailments and using those ailments as excuses not to do things. “Oh, sorry man, I’d love to help you pass out flyers advertising pirated copies of Eat Pray Love to pedestrians but you know these damn kidneys…”
Remember the new job I talked about on my last email. I don’t either really so I’ll tell you again. For the last month and a half I’ve been working as Foreign Relations Manager at a medical distribution company called BioVitrum. So far the job has consisted of developing relationships with our international suppliers, Americans, Europeans, Asians you name it. Not too many Africans though. Not too many suppliers of advanced in-vitro diagnostic medical equipment coming out of Angola (or Chad for that matter). So I take part in the meetings, take part in the wining and dining of potential suppliers and use my unabashed likeableness to make the foreigners feel a little more comfortable about bringing their products to Russia aka The Black Hole. That’s actually a term we use to describe the information concerning the Russian market for advanced medical equipment, The Black Hole. What I’ve learned so far about doing business in Russia is that success is about 95% based on getting in with the right people. Also there are necessities of getting anything done in Russia which everybody knows about, everybody knows is wrong, everybody knows won’t change, and nobody talks about and on we go. Also a big part of the job has been creating all the content for our new international website and brochures. Basically making the company sound cool to foreign ears. Cause Russians aren’t exactly suave and comforting advertisers in the western sense. “Here is our company. It is big company. We have big turnover. Now go back to sunny tropical paradise where you come from.” My roommate Sergey works in the same office and he refers to me sometimes as the “Hallelujah” manager. A lot of people speak English at the company but many don’t which is always hilarious. By necessity my Russian has dramatically improved in the last couple months. And water cooler gossip is the same in Russia as it is in America as it is probably everywhere in the world (except Africa). International English should be replaced by International Water Cooler Gossip. Maybe I can teach a class on that. Effective Water Cooler Gossip. Speaking of teaching yeah I’m still doing that but it’s not interesting. So I’m busy now, workin two jobs which means nights and weekends I just CRASH and crash hard.
As many, some or none of you know Arnold Schwarzeneggar, yes our governor, was in Moscow a week ago scouting out hi-tech investment opportunities with some Silicon Valley bigwigs. His exact words were that Russia was a “gold mine” for investors. Russians just roll their eyes when they hear that. As one of my students told me ‘they’re trying to invest in nanotechnology but they haven’t yet invested and built suitable roads.” The roads here really are hell. Ah, that reminds me of the funniest joke I’ve ever heard come out of Russia. Maybe the funniest joke I’ve ever heard period. So a Russian tells me “most people in the world can stare at two things without getting bored: fire and water. But in Russia we can stare at 3 things without getting bored: fire, water, and other people working.” Hahahhahahahhahahhah. Any crew of street workers here will prove that point.
I had a long discussion with one of my students about life in the Soviet Union which was very eye opening. Here are the highlights. In the Soviet Union: most people made many of their own clothes – knitting classes were mandatory in school as were household fix-it classes cause there just weren’t these services available; everybody used the same Bulgarian shampoo which only required you to wash your hair once a week; restaurants & cafes were only used for extremely special occasions; mandarin Oranges were considered a hardcore delicacy which were only eaten at New Years holiday; all food stores (they weren’t exactly “supermarkets”) all had the same food products to buy which consisted of one or two varieties to choose from, so in other words there wasn’t an entire 3-shelf row dedicated solely to cereals; to make a longer story short everyone at the same food, drank the same beverages, wore the same clothes, traveled to the same holiday spots, used the same soap and shampoo, wore the same shoes, listened to the same music, had the same hairstyle, and watched the same TV programs – all cartoons had a moral theme to them by the way. It is a little unimaginable but it was real, and there are people here who are nostalgic for that life of stifling conformity yet reassuring stability. And when the Iron Curtain came down and the Russian market became flooded with western goods I guess it was a matter of months before all the old products completely disappeared from the shelves. Sorry guys no more once a week Bulgarian shampoo, now we wash our hair everyday with this stuff called “Head & Shoulders”. Head & Shoulders? But you don’t have dandruff. Exactly.
And last story. I recently visited a Russian Zen monastery. I’ll let that sink in before I explain. Ok. Now I’ll explain. A student of mine who just got interested in the ways of Zen was going to a Zen lecture given by a visiting French Zen master and asked me to come along. I thought why the heck not, I used to be interested in Zen and it’d be interesting to see the Russian style of this extremely non-Russian philosophy. So I got there, it was a medium sized room in the Oriental style (I’m still not sure if Oriental is an acceptable word anymore), and the first thing I noticed was that everybody had exotic sitting pillows. Everybody except me. My student worked a pillow out for me and I was set. For some reason my student wanted to sit in the very first row so there I was in the first row of this class of about 30 Russian Zen enthusiasts. Everybody was sitting quietly doing something that looked like meditation waiting for this Zen master to arrive. I was kinda just sitting there looking around trying hard not to laugh. Then the Zen master came in, this little French woman who had a striking resemblance to James Coburn. So to make another longer story short I sat there for just over 3 hours listening to a treatise of Zen practice in French, translated into Russian by a bald woman in a black kimono. And then there was about 20 minutes of silent zen meditation which absolutely terrified me cause I was sure I would break out in uncontrollable laughter at any minute. Everybody got into the lotus position, which was hilarious, and did the whole zen thing like you’re picturing. So I tried to follow suit, which was hilarious, but the closest I got to the lotus position was straight up cross-legged Indian style. Then I had to put my fingers into those weird positions and sit perfectly still and straight and “concentrate on my breathing”. I say I “had to” cause this little French James Coburn-incarnated-into-female-flesh Zen master was going around to everybody and correcting and critiquing their position. Don’t tread on me James Coburn. But in reality the only thing I was concentrating on was the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger I was gonna reward myself with for sitting thru this 3 hour Franco-Russo Zen Torture Chamber.
And now after that here's some more things Russians go crazy over: all things Sherlock Holmes, House (TV show), How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, all things David Duchovny, sour cream,
Ok that’s all for now.
Until next time.
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