From Russia With Dave - 12/14/2008

An old one I found:

Hello all, got a month under by belt.  Today also happens to be my birthday.  I rewarded myself with a new electric razor and a very bizarre rug which is starting to really disturb me the more I look at it, let alone put my feet on it.

Well I made my first trip to a Russian IKEA, or as they call it EKEA.  It was located out in the dirty, grimy Petersburg suburbs - where all the "workers" live.  And by workers I mean disgusting people.  We had to take a half hour metro ride then take a bus which I swear was on loan from the Zimbabwe government to the giant, otherworldy complex that is every IKEA. Beforehand though I had the pleasure of viewing a bald Russian who looked like Sloth from the Goonies walk around the middle of the road with one eye closed and mouth wide open then walk headfirst into another Zimbabwe bus.  Making really weird noises too.  I was the only one laughing.  The IKEA was exactly like every other IKEA.  That's where I got my bizarre rug - and boy is it bizarre.

I also had to make a mandatory trip to a Russian hospital in order to get an HIV test for my Visa renewal.  Yes, in order to live in Russia for longer than 3 months, you need to prove that you don't have AIDS.  And of course I had to go to a specific hospital and of course with these clowns in was in another dirty, grimy suburb of Petersburg.  Full of "workers".  And of course I got lost and had to go in some big factory of some sorts and play a game of Charades with the security guard to find out where the hospital was.  Then when I finally got to the hospital I had to play another game of Charades with the front desk to let them know I needed an HIV test.  I got the same test right before I left so don't anybody worry about the results.  But now that I think of it I was on a Zimbabwean bus beforehand...

 As for work, there was a new American guy working for my company who just up and flew back home without telling anybody.  Hahaa.  His hot water probably wasn't working.  So now I have to take over his Kindergarten classes for the next couple months.  That's Kindergarten.  Where the kids take naps at school.  We're talking 6 year olds here.  And I'll be teaching them.  Everyday.  9am-2pm.  I hear they're about to put on a Christmas recital which I will for sure be chaperoning and maybe with my skills at Charades might even partake in.  But one thing's for sure, I will get all the free orange juice and cheese danishes my stomach can handle. 

We got a new roommate who just moved in a couple days ago.  She's another Siberian blonde.  I can't seem to escape Siberian blondes.  Poor me.  We all went to see some genuine Russian cinema the other night.  Well actually the movie was in French with Russian subtitles.  So I understood positively nothing.  And it was a good 2+ hour movie.  From what I've heard it was good.  Russian theaters give you assigned seats at the beginning and there are ushers and the whole shebang.  And there was a bar and alchohol is allowed in the theater.  Which made it easier.  When everyone else laughed I took it as a sign that something funny had just been said. 


Alright thats all the fun for now.

From Russia With Dave - 12/7/2008

Another old one I found:

Well the power and hot water was down today so earlier I had the opportunity to take a cold shower in the dark while it was snowing outside in Russia.  It was one of those things that I hope doesn't happen again.  But as a popular Russian expression goes, "The only thing colder than the cold water is the hot water."  Earlier this week one of the guys I teach took me on a little walking tour of the city (In the rain of course - which reminds me, I need to buy an umbrella), but first we picked up his girlfriend, who gave me an orange as a sort of gift.  I was like "Oh, ok, thanks for the orange".  So I was just walking around with them struggling to peel this thing and then I proceeded to devour it like an animal to ward off the scurvy.

Went to a concert the other night to see some Swedish group (Insert ABBA joke here) and when me and my roommate came back, our door was locked from the inside, the other roommates phone was off, and the roommates phone had just run out of juice.  So after sitting there pounding on the door for about an hour, in which we woke up everybody in our building except our roommate, we went out into the poring snow to this random hotel bar, where to my amazement they had "Grog" on the menu, so the pirate in me ordered a few glasses, roommate charged her phone, and ended up calling a friend of a friend who she's never met to ask if we could stay at his place at 3am.  Luckily it was ok, so we walk to this guys place, he answers the door in a full body black jumpsuit smoking a cigarette, and when we get inside he starts telling me about all his weird experiences in remote Asian countries in hilarious broken English.  So me and the roommate got his bed, well it actually wasn't a bed in the proper sense, it was more of a big plank of wood jutting out from the wall which we had to climb up a shaky wooden ladder to get to with a huge Marilyn Monroe poster over it.  Good thing I had a belly full o' grog.  And then I had to wake up a couple hours later to teach a brand new 3 hour class the business vocabulary of balance sheets and income statements, still with a belly full o' grog.

Other than that I'm settling into the weekly groove.  I pretty much teach classes in the morning before the workday begins and in the evenings after the work days.  I work about 18-20 hours a week which is plenty.  It's now snowing on a daily basis.  There are Christmas trees and Christmas decorations everywhere in the city, it looks pretty amazing at night.  It starts getting dark around 4pm and ends around 10am, and then in between those times its just a deep gray.  Had my first genuine Russian Borscht which was extremely delicious.  The most popular food in Russia is sushi, there are sushi places everywhere - with genuine Asians working at them.  I went in this one sushi place and they had a Tom and Jerry cartoon playing on TV screens on every wall.  Hilarious.

Ok thats all for now.

From Russia With Dave - 3/1/09

Hello everybody.  Been a while eh?

I just got back from one of my Russian friends house where everyone stayed up all night playing Monopoly and a board game called Colonization and it was one of the more satisfying evenings I've had in a while.  Russians love their board games.  Almost as much as they love their beet-root salad.  Which is almost as much as they love wearing their hair in a mullet.  Tons of mullets here.  If I had a kopek for every mullet I've seen in the last week I'd have a ruble.  My friend had a little cold but he refused to take showers cause he said Russian doctors say you shouldn't take showers or baths when you're sick because it's not good for you to be warm then be cold when you leave the bathroom.  I really wanted to start laughing in his face when he said this.  By the way Russians are very good at heating their houses.

And speaking of houses, there aren't any here in the city.  Absolutely no houses like were all accustomed to.  There are just big complexes of flats, or apartments, some bigger than others.  No houses.  It's kind of weird.  There being no houses there is.  People don't live in houses here, everyone lives in a big dormitory basically.  So, with that in mind, I've heard from more than one person that Russians are obsessed with the American "House Party" like they see in the movies.  And now that I think of it, house parties rule, and I'm glad I was raised in a culture where house parties were more than just an unreachable dream on the movie screen.  Did I mention that fact that there are no houses here?  But to be fair, people usually do have a house out in the "country" (I shudder to think of what that consists of) which they go to on weekends and holidays.  But there are definitely no house parties there.

And also from my discussions with the mobile phone lawyer I've learned 2 new things about Russian views to Americans.  One, they think that John McCain was a serious contender for the president because Americans mistook him for....wait for it....Steve Martin!  Its a huge joke in Russia about Americans love for everything celebrity.  And I live in the state where Arnold Schwarzeneggar is governer!  And two, one of the most lasting views Russians have from American films is when the father opens up the front door in the morning with a robe on and is greeted by a flying newspaper to the head, thrown from the local paper boy on a bicycle.  So to sum up, the 3 main images Russians have about Americans from the movies so far are 1) A person being held upside down and having the toilet flushed on their head; 2) Out of control house parties: and 3) flying newspapers hitting fathers in the head in the morning.

I was also schooled in the traditional Russian way to drink vodka by one of my older students.  Remember Vladimir with no hair?  Yeah with him.  So this is how it goes.  Russians don't chase a vodka shot with liquids.  They chase it with food.  The 3 most traditional things to chase down a vodka shot is salted cucumber (tastes exactly like a dill pickle and I got into a little argument with him saying it WAS a dill pickle), cabbage salad (tastes like sour cole slaw), and little weird mushrooms which I still don't trust.  So you take the vodka shot - the whole thing, not just a sip, Russians consider it arrogant and boastful to sip vodka, you need to take it down in one gulp - and then instantly eat one of the above mentioned curiosities. The most traditional snack to go along with drinking is salted herring with a little potato and onions, which is actually quite delicious.

Monday was a national holiday here called Day of the Defenders of the Motherland, which sounds like a holiday I want to be a part of.  It's basically the day of the Russian army, but the funny thing is that its commonly just referred to as "Man's Day".  Haha, Man's Day.  This is the day where Russian men are honored with new shaving kits and new coffee mugs.  Which is exactly what I received from my work.  "So, how was your Man's Day?  Fine, thanks."  Next month is "Woman's Day" which from what I hear is like Valentine's Day on steroids. 

Alright thats all folks.  I have no more kindergarten left so hooray, back to a normal schedule.  This calls for a celebration, I'm thinking board games.

From Russia With Dave - 2/8/09

Hello all,

12 weeks under my belt.  Everything's gotten to be pretty normal.  The shock and awe has pretty much worn off and I just go about my days like anywhere else, laughing to myself at the daily struggles of Russians. 

Let's talk food.  I've got the Russian version of 7-11 which I visit pretty much everyday, buying whatever weird food creations catch my eye.  I'm actually there so often that the security guard knows me by name and everytime I come in he tries to get some English practice, which is hilarious.  Tonight I told him how to say beer.  His name's Roustam, he's from Georgia.  Haha.  It's been a terrible struggle filling my belly without a microwave.  I'm lost without one.  How do people eat without microwaves??  My roommates, to my utter amazement, cook almost every meal they eat.  It's mind-boggling.  They spend about a half hour preparing a meal and brewing tea, then just go to the table and eat it for 7 minutes, then go about their day.  And I just go in the fridge and gulp down a drinkable yogurt, maybe throw down a couple sweet pickles, maybe a slice of God-knows-what type of cheese, and that's it, done deal.  If it wasn't for drinkable yogurts I might've had to fly home early.  Our fridge has two very distinct cultural styles in it - on the one hand there are beet roots, cucumbers, cabbage, tomatoes and other raw materials that go into cooking a meal and then the leftovers of those meals, which usually include fish heads of some sort, and on the other hand there are drinkable yogurts....tons of them.  I usually do most of my eating on the road.  The kindergarten feeds me and there is a blini stand right next to our house which I visit quite often.  Blinis are like crepes, or thin pancakes.  Russians fill them with any and everything at their disposal, from caviar to ham n eggs.  I kinda feel like one right now actually and I probably would go get one if it wasn't such a HUGE production to get ready to go outside in the snow.  And last thing, I have not seen any corn whatsoever in Russia and its starting to annoy me.  They tell me Russians don't eat corn.  What are they communists??

My Tuesday morning class from hell got canceled after one class, which is just fine by me.  That was the class with the single little old lady at the tobacco institute.  What I forgot to mention was that at that single class right in the middle of giving the lesson I tripped and fell (pretty hard) on the ground and she started laughing at me.  Hopefully that's the reason the class got canceled.  No falling on the job.

A funny thing happened at the kindergarten this week.  I had to take the class to arts & crafts, (or as I like to call it arts & farts & crafts).  But in order to do that I had to unlock the door to get out of our room.  It's usually not locked and the Russian lock system is extremely confusing to a person who's used to normal things, like turning the lock counter-clockwise to unlock and vice-versa.  But of course its the opposite here and in my furious struggle to get the thing unlocked I got the key jammed.  The teacher came to help but she couldn't unjam it either.  So we were stuck in there.  People from outside the door tried to unjam it but they couldn't budge it either.  A very disheveled person from outside the school had to come in through the window with tools but he couldn't unjam it either!  So another worker with a huge beard came in through the window with a POWER SAW and had to saw the door off its hinges!!  It was absolutely hilarious.  He had the goggles on and there were sparks everywhere and smoke and the kids were going crazy and I was just laughing and laughing.  I am single handedly going to bring down the Russian infrastructure, one door at a time.

Ok thats all.  Until next time.

From Russia With Dave - 2/1/09

Hello, Hello, Hello

Just laying in bed on a lazy Sunday.  And from what I hear its Super Bowl Sunday?  I am way out of the loop.  I just found out who was in the Super Bowl a few days ago.  Arizona Cardinals??  Things have changed since I left I guess.

Well the Ruble (Russian currency) decreased in value once again this week.  When I first got here it was 24 Rubles to the dollar, now its around 36.  It's extremely popular for people here to buy dollars and put them under their mattress to safegaurd against their falling currency.  Putin says everything will be okay but he might just be putin everybody on.  Get it?  Another funny thing about the Russian economy is that it still very much cash-based.  I get paid in cash, a big stack full of Rubles, and I pretty much buy everything in cash.  And vendors usually expect you to have either exact change or close to exact change, cause for some reason people just hate giving out change.  And credit cards here are still a relatively new phenomena and most vendors are still pretty uncomfortable with them.  Usually when I hand someone a credit card to pay for something they look at it as if I just handed them a dead rodent.  Then they look as if it is the most tiresome and painful thing in the world to try and swipe it and wait for the receipt.  And the concept of having both a credit AND a debit card is way, way beyond them.  I tried explaining the difference to a couple people and they looked at me like I was speaking crazy talk.

Oh, and another thing, maybe the single most appaling aspect of Russian life for me....you have to PAY for grocery bags at the supermarket!

This week also marked the 65th anniversary of the end of the Leningrad blockade in WWII.  St. Petersburg (formerly called Leningrad) was beseiged by the Germans for just under 900 days during the war and in that time all kinds of hell and deprivation broke out in the city.  There are still plaques on the walls of some buildings warning people that this area is heavily bombed.  There wasn't any food or utilities so people had to resort to....well, put in a search for Leningrad blockade if you want to learn more.  So the Russian president visited the city and there were fireworks displays and the works.  Thankfully, there were no re-enactments.

I added a new class to my roster this week.  A tuesday morning class in the far out industrial suburbs which takes about an hour to get to and it starts at....7:30am!  Ouch.  So Tuesday mornings when I wake up at 5:30am I hate life for about 15 minutes before anything else happens.  And its just a single student, a little old plump granny lady who works at one of the largest tobacco companies in the world.  She's definitely smoked a few cigarettes in her day too.  Its called the Japanese Tobacco Institute - they own Winston and Camel brands among others.  But my Friday evening class is no longer which makes up a little for that Tuesday morning atrocity.

And last couple of things, I saw a different little old plump Russian granny get full-on splashed with dirty muddy ice water by a passing bus and then she started flipping out and cursing God and man alike in a shrill Russian voice which left me laughing for at least 15 minutes afterwards.  And a couple days ago at the supermarket I was checking out and leaving for the door, but the damn flimsy bag that I had to pay for broke and a bottle of wine and a huge jar of sweet pickles crashed everywhere.  I was stunned.  Everything stopped in the store and everybody looked at me.  Then everyone started speaking gibberish to me and pointing at this and that and I was just like, "Uh, so can I get some more pickles?"  Bastards made me buy more.  Any other food I wouldv'e just left but sweet pickles have become a firm staple of my Russian diet.  Gotta have those sweet pickles.

Alright that's all.  Have fun watching the Arizona Cardinals put on a shocking display of ineptitude.

From Russia With Dave - 1/25/09

10 weeks in the land of plenty!

Nothing extravagantly interesting happened this week so I'm gonna give you all a rundown on the typical Dave week in Old Mother Russia.

Monday:  Wake up at 7:30am (my cell phone is my alarm clock).  Hate life for about 5 minutes then go shower, put on some 80's music, look outside and decide how many layers I'm gonna wear.  Walk to the metro (about a 12 minute walk) in complete darkness and either in complete snow or complete slush.  Take a 10 minute metro ride full of the opposite of bright and bushy-tailed faces to the kindergarten.  Do the whole kindergarten bit - which is basically me awkwardly standing around, awkwardly giving "lessons", awkwardly taking the kids to arts & crafts or P.E., awkwardly telling the kids to do something and having them may me absolutely no mind and me not doing anything about it, awkwardly eating lunch, then awkwardly leaving.  Take the metro back to my place and spend an hour and a half being a vegetable before setting back out to teach 5 students at a rather large bank.  This class is easy, not to much preparation involved.  It's an intermediate class and the students are all in their late 20's-early 30's, 3 guys 2 girls, and there's a lot of joking around.  Like just last class one of the guys told me that when he was a young teenager, his computer wallpaper was a big mushroom cloud atom bomb with the words "America Must Die" written across it.  Haha, ain't that a good one!  He said he doesn't feel that way any more though.  Shucks.  Then I get back home around 8pm and depending on how I'm feeling, either prepare the lesson for next day's class, watch a movie, read, or hang out with my roommates.

Tuesday:  Same routine first part of the day.  When I get back home after kindergarten I usually spend an hour preparing a lesson for the night class.  Then I take the metro to my work's office to print out materials, make copies, and provide some comic relief to my fellow employees.  This night class is at a medical supply company called BioVitrum.  It's a little tougher class to teach.  It's advanced level, 5 students ranging from late 20's to late 50's, 4 guys and a girl, including the president of the company (who's bald, missing teeth, and his name's Vladimir, haha.)  We get along well but they're just a little more demanding in what they want to learn.  I also do a little extra work for them proofreading their English marketing materials and website.  They also like to drink and its not uncommon to have a little drink either before or after class.  I prefer before. 

Wednesday:  I have a morning class before kindergarten so I wake up at 6:30am.  And this time I hate life for about 10 minutes before getting ready.  The morning class is at the headquarters of Megafon, one of the largest cell phone companies in Russia.  It's just a single student conversation class, pretty easy.  It's the lawyer, remember the guy who's obsessed with the Terminator movies and the American tradition of turning people upside down and flushing the toilet on their head?  Then kindergarten and the like.  The night class is 2 older ladies who work at an insurance company.  Easy class, upper intermediate level.  It's at my work's office.  These ladies are often on business trips so there's often no class on Wednesday nights, which is just fine by me.

Thursday:  I do kindergarten until 12.  Then I leave early with another British girl named Heidi.  We eat lunch at the kindergarten cafeteria, which is delicious, then we take the metro to the elementary school to teach a bunch of 10 year old rascals.  She's got the smarter group and I have the criminals.  I "teach" these kids for about two and a half hours (one hour is watching a video thank god), with a break in between - which consists of them running up and down the halls screaming and wrestling and me just awkwardly standing their watching them hoping nobody important sees this vulgar display.  I leave at 4 and its an awkward time cause I don't have enough time to go home and its too early to go to my night class.  So I usually end up in a British pub called the Telegraph for about a half hour for a Heineken, some pistachios and to watch some sort of soccer game, which regrettably is the only thing they play on TV.  They do however play a lot of Bee Gees, Bob Seger, and Michael Jackson in there so I'm happy.  Then I have my same bank group from Monday.

Friday:  I have my morning class with the lawyer again, kindergarten, and then the night class at the same medical supply company but with different students.  These students are the menial workers there, the receptionists and sales people mostly.  They are more fun to work with cause they're not as demanding as the top brass I teach on Tuesdays.  There are also some very attractive girls in the class which is a distraction I wholeheartedly embrace.  So then it's Friday night.  A bittersweet Friday night because I have a 3 hour Business English class the next day.

Saturday:  Wake up around 10am, hate life for about 7 minutes, then get ready to go to yet another class.  I get to class an hour early to prepare for it, its at our main office which takes about a half hour to get to from my place.  This is a 3 hour Business English class with 5 students, 4 (attractive) girls and a guy (who's profession is creating security systems for nuclear power plants!).  It sounds hard on paper but its actually pretty easy.  They are a fun group and somehow, someway I teach them English to be used in business situations - such as business expressions ("The bottom line", "number crunching" etc.), how to sound more diplomatic with your emails and speech, negotiation language, and tons of business vocabulary.

Then finally my weekend starts and all hell breaks loose in St. Pete.  Then its Sunday and rarely do I leave my place on Sunday.  It's my lazy day.  My schedule is daunting right now but in a couple weeks I won't be teaching kindergarten anymore which will free up a ton of time and greatly reduce the awkwardness level I'm currently at.

Ok, thats all for now.  Bye.

From Russia With Dave - 1/18/09

Hello all.  Took a week off but now I'm back.

The holiday break is over and its back to work.  For some strange, ungodly reason, the work week started on Sunday just for the weekend after the break.  Yes, that's right, last Sunday was a workday for everyone, including me.  Sundays in general don't hold the same significance they do in the states.  People in general aren't very religious at all (just the little old ladies).  The Russian week begins on Monday whereas in the states it begins on Sunday, which is so far the only thing which I've found here which is more logical than in the states.  This was my first week of actually having to give lessons to the kindergarten kids.  I wouldn't really call what I give "lessons", I'd call it a series of questions about Spiderman in between compulsive glances at my watch.  I only have a few more weeks of kindergarten oh thank heaven (for 7-11).

I just bought a green acoustic guitar today.  Yeah, its green.  I also got a harmonica and one of those weird headgear things you attach a harmonica to so I can strum and blow the harmonica at the same time.  So now thats all I do is walk around our place with a guitar and harmonica to the delight or disturbance of all.

Some of my students took me out to the bars this week and proceeded to grill me about, you guessed it, Barack Obama.  Everyone is anticipating inauguration day and think he's gonna get assassinated.  I'm becoming pretty good friends with a number of my students.  I even went to a company party at the medical supply office I teach at and drank all the Bailey's Irish Cream out of Dixie cups my heart could enjoy.

On Russian Christmas (Jan. 7) - actually its called Orthodox Christmas.  It's only really observed by strictly religious people.  In other words all those little old ladies again.  Russians basically celebrate Christmas and New Years simultaneously.  The night of Dec. 31 is when Santa visits Russian children and gives them presents.  So on Orthodox Christmas I visited one of the many cathedrals here to witness what goes on in a proper Russian religious celebration.  In this Orthodox cathedral (much to my dismay) there were no seats.  Everyone stood in a very unorderly way while the Orthodox priest (huge beard and all) said his thing.  It was terrible, I was dying for a seat.  The smell and fog of incense and candles is overwhelming and there are lines of people waiting to kiss one of the many icons, or religioius images, hanging on the walls. 

Oh, and the weather has actually been quite nice recently.  It hasn't snowed in little over a week, the parks which used to be covered in snow now look normal again, and the rivers are are starting to look watery.  However people tell me that February is usually the coldest month, so don't get too excited.  Kind of an "eye of the storm" situation.  But it is nice only having to wear one pair of gloves and socks.

Alright that's about all.  I'm rolling along smoothly here.

From Russia With Dave - 1/5/09

FREEZING!

It's about 10 degrees out right now.  Just got back from a 2 hour walk around the city and I cant talk cause my face 100% numb.  The Christmas/New Years mood is still going strong here.  The streets are packed with people taking pictures and feeding the ducks.  I am sorry to say that my plan for cooking a turkey was scrapped at the last minute to be replaced by cooking a New Years...TROUT.  So we had trout on new years and it was delicious.  Speaking of New Years, it was insane here.  It is by far the biggest holiday of the year and St. Petersburgers were out in full force.  Most of the main streets were closed and people of every race, creed, and religion were walking around everywhere like crazy people.  Everyone congregates near the Winter Palace and there was a big stage set up with Santa Claus DJ'ing and light shows and drunk people.  Right before New Years we were all treated to a speech on the big screen from the president of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev, and then right after the whole place broke into the Russian national anthem.  I was the only one laughing.  I really felt like trying to get a USA!  USA! chant going.  Either that or start "The Wave".  The party went on til sometime the next day and then when I woke up, it was January 3rd.  The next couple days were spent walking around and taking pictures of the city like everyone else, visiting some museums and cathedrals like everyone else, and walking on top of the frozen Neva river (terrifying!).  The sun was out for a day and there was a spectacular sunset.  Yes, it was real and it was spectacular, just like that Seinfeld episode.  

One of my roommates has had 3 of her Siberian friends staying with us (2 guys and a girl).  None of them speak English and when I say "Hello" to them they grunt like a wild animal and retreat like cockroaches in the light.  Though I did have to help them put one of our doors back on its hinges and watching us trying to communicate on what to do and where to put the door was like watching an episode of Mork and Mindy but with Mindy speaking the same way as Mork.

Yesterday we all went snowboarding out in the Russian wilderness somewhere.  We were driving in what seemed like pure snow for miles around and along the way we had to help no fewer than two cars who had driven off the road and were stuck.  I was the only one laughing.  The lifts they use to get you up the mountain are much different than the ones I'm accustomed to.  There's no seats, its just a bar you have to put between your legs than ride your board up the mountain.  The first time I used I tried to sit on it and fell straight on my ass and they had to stop the whole lift so I could get up and try again.  Then halfway up the mountain I lost balance, fell straight on my ass again with the bar still between my legs and proceeded to be dragged up the mountain for about 7 seconds until they had to stop the entire lift again so I could gain some much needed composure.  Needless to say me snowboarding didn't last for a long time.  After I caught word that there was an innertubing slope I ran, not walked, to it and spent the rest of the day tubing to my hearts delight.  Afterwards we drove to a city called Pushkin where there are some very impressive imperial palaces.  We all had been drinking hot red wine with spices (delicious) so one of the persons mothers came and picked us up and along the way she wouldn't stop asking me about what kind of fairy tales I was told as a kid (all through translators).  All I could think of was Hansel & Gretel and Rumpelstiltsken.  And when I said the word Rumpelstiltsken they all looked at me as if I had something crawling on my face.  Answering questions about fairy tales was a welcome change from the constant "Do I agree with Iraq war" and "What do you think of Obama" questions I get almost on a daily basis from every new Russian I meet.

Alright, thats all, hope everyone had a good New Year.  Now I'm gonna go back to giving my roommates a proper education on American culture, in other words, making them watch all the Rocky movies against their will.  Especially Rocky 4 against the big Soviet.  USA!  USA!

From Russia With Dave - 12/30/08

The Cold Edition.

This last week it started getting really cold.  It's around 20-25 degrees out right now and dropping by the minute.  My normal outfit is one pair of regular socks, regular underwear, a thermal long sleeve shirt, collared shirt over it, a heavy jacket, mittens, ear muffs, and a bright red nose.  So far it's doing the trick.  Red noses are everywhere.  However, oddly enough, yesterday there was Sunshine for the whole day which is pretty much the first time I've seen what the sun looks like since I've been here.  I never knew how much I took the sun for granted.  I was at the Hermitage again, this time with my other roommate, then we went to the top of the largest cathedral here and got a nice sunset view of the city.  I also encountered my first American tourists in the cathedral and it was funny I could spot them a mile away.  Baseball hats, athletic gear, Converse shoes, talking really loud.  I loved it.  I wish I saw more of them.  Which reminds me I'm gonna watch Rocky tonight. 

My kindergarten class put on its Xmas holiday performance this last week.  I was in the audience with all the parents taking photos.  The performance was half in Russian half in English.  And by the end of it, Santa came out and led the class in a big conga line which devolved into a big chaotic fiasco with more than one of the students ending up face down crying and the rest of them trying to dogpile Santa.  I was the only one laughing in the audience.  Funny enough, one of the songs they performed was "Yankee Doodle Dandy".  From what I've seen young Russian kids are not very different than American kids.  They wear the same clothes, which basically consists of head to toe Spiderman gear, are interested in the same things, which means portable video game players, and they act the same way, which is to say out of control.  These kids are awash in American culture and it will be interesting to see how Russia will become once these kids grow up, all of them speaking English and being raised on all things American. 

Oh, and of course, the first time a kid asked me to help him cut something with scissors I ended up cutting myself instead and had to get a band-aid from the school nurse.  It was terrific.

My one-on-one English class with the lawyer from a large cell phone company, which used to consist of conversations about politics, enconomics, and culture, has devolved into conversations about James Bond, The Terminator movies, how the Die Hard films are translated in Russian, and how it's possible that in American movies people are able to put someone upside down and flush the toilet on their head.

My students from the bank I teach at took me out on the town for Christmas day.  We went to an Irish pub and basically discussed the same issues I mentioned above.  For some reason Russians are infatuated with the American custom of turning people upside down and flushing the toilet on their head.

I am planning on cooking an American style New Years turkey with all the fixings in a couple days for my roommates and their friends.  Has anyone ever seen that Mr. Bean episode where he's trying to cook a turkey but he ends up getting it stuck on his head and he walks around with a turkey on his head?  I haven't either, but I heard about it, and there's a good possibility of that happening.  Either way there's absolutely no chance that anything will taste like its supposed to.  Russians don't have the tradition of eating turkey for celebrations and I can't imagine Russia having high quality turkeys either.  Actually when I mentioned it to someone the other day they thought I meant we were going to Turkey instead of eating turkey.

I'm learning a little bit of Russian but my original plan of actually learning the language has flown out the window along with my plan going to a Russian barber.  I can speak the basic phrases and basic words when I need to, but its actually kind of fun not knowing the language and going through the song and dance to be understood.  Plus there's usually always someone there who can translate for me. 

Oh, and last thing, yesterday as I was walking to work there was someone sitting on a park bench with an animal on a leash next to him on the bench.  It wasn't a dog, it wasn't a cat, it wasn't a hamster, it was a small BEAR.

Happy New Year everyone!

From Russia With Dave - 12/21/08

I've been in Russia for 5 weeks now and somehow someway funny things have a way of finding me.  Maybe it's because I'm the guy walking around with the bright orange umbrella...

This was my first week working in the kindergarten.  Within 5 minutes of my entering the classroom for the first time they informed me they were getting a "clown" for a kids birthday and then all of a sudden I heard horns and whistles and there appeared not a clown like I was expecting but a superhero looking guy in full body red spandex, a black cape, and a black painted mask.  He started running around the room like a crazy man and the kids just Exploded.  It was absolute complete chaos and I was just standing there worried that I left a trail of mud in the room.  There are 20 kids in the class and there were no lessons this week or next week because they're practicing for their Christmas musical performance.  So I've basically just been awkardly standing around the whole time and acting as the "prop guy" for the kids play.  And for 6-7 year olds this musical they're doing is what I would call extremely complicated.  It looks as if they had professional ballet choreographers for every famous classical music piece you can think of.  Watching rehearsal is like watching the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics on repeat.  And I'm the prop guy.  There are 2 other teachers in the class, one of whom speaks English, the other of whom is one of those big ol' Russian ladies.  Oh, and this class has its own private cook who makes breakfast and lunch for the students and teachers, including me.  So in the mornings I eat what they call "porridge" everyday which is basically lumpy cream of wheat with no brown sugar, and for lunches there's always a soup, which they call "boullion" - sometimes its borshct which I inhale like a wild animal.  Then they have a "second course" which is usually some sort of mystery meatballs, pink mashed potatoes and what they call "salad" but which is actually just one vegetable diced up.  Nonetheless I devour everything not really cause I want to, but because I'm afraid of what they'll do if I don't.  Also there's a rule that there's no talking while eating so I just sit there eating soup with the two other teachers in complete silence listening to the whole class loudly slurping.  I have had to use all my will power not to break out in very loud laughter many times. 

This is my last week of classes until Jan. 12.  All Russia shuts down for the first 2 weeks of January to celebrate New Years and the Russian Xmas - which is on Jan. 7th.  (Their calender was always 13 days behind everyone elses calendar until 1917 so they still celebrate Xmas on the old calendar day). 

We had our work holiday party last night and it was hilarious.  There were about 150 people there (all various workers of the school and its affiliates).  I was in shirt and tie and there was all the free champagne and cognac one could want.  I've heard a lot about how Russians toast but this exceeded all expectations.  There was a microphone and an emcee (who midway through the night was dressed up as a PIRATE), and people were always barging up to come make a speech (all in Russian) and inevitably a toast.  There must've been 50 toast throughout the night.  And each time you're basically required to drink for the toasts.  The only thing larger than the amount of alcohol they drink at parties is the amount of food they consume.  There were about 6 different times when I thought the main course had been served only to find that there was larger, more exotic cuisine yet to come.  Oh, and I can now say that I've eaten cow tongue.  Actually, I can say that I've eaten 3 cow tongues.  They were quite delicious, they tasted like chicken (tongues).  They also called up all the new employees, including me, to the front and made them all drink a huge mug of champagne.  At least they didn't make me give a speech cause God knows what kind of riot that would've caused.  And the best part of it was that everyone there (excluding me cause I was so new) had to do a skit or musical performance in front of the whole group.  So there were all these old Russian ladies doing period-piece musical acts and getting really into it.  Then of course there were the 2 Scottish guys who did an interpretation of the old classic we call the YMCA.  And then at the end of the night the whole thing devolved into a big dance party.  Old and young alike were in a huge circle dancing it up and people would be going into the middle to show their best stuff.  So of course I went in the middle and started doing what I thought was the Robot, but what really was me jerking around like a rabid dog.  So that was fun.

 But all in all I'm having a good time here and its been easier to cope with than I expected.  Once you get used to the relative inefficiency and damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-dont attitude that is the Russian way of life its easy to just go with the flow.  More people speak English than I had thought which is nice.  In the businesses I teach its amazing to learn how frequently English is used in international business.  If a Russian does business with a German, they speak English, if a Russian does business with a Chinese person, they speak English, and on and on.  Whenever people are communicating with people outside of their own country, they're using English.  I love it.  Takes the hassle out of trying to learn new languages.  One thing I do miss is the constant good cheer and optimism of Americans.  It's amazing how many people say how optimistic I am and I guess its just that good old American breeding.

Ok enough already.  There's a good chance that next time I'll be including some pictures.  Or maybe the time after that.

Merry Christmas everyone.  And I'll just leave you with the disturbing fact that in Russia, Santa Claus HAS A DAUGHTER!

From Russia With Dave - 11/30/08

Hello all, got week 2 in the land of plenty under my belt.

Had my first Russian lesson with a big 'ol Russian lady who looks like Santa Claus.  And I'm the only student.  I feel like Borat when I speak Russian.  I also had my first meal at the local McDonalds.  Although of course I ordered 2 Egg McMuffins and I got 2 Sausage McMuffins.  Nonetheless the taste of America was simply breathtaking.  There is a reason why every McDonalds is packed to the brim everywhere around the world.  I also visited my first Russian public swimming pool, which consisted of crazy Russians seemingly on steroids doing Olympic size laps, wearing goggles, speedos and a one of those silly water hats, with a very masculine Russian lady with a whistle barking orders in Martian, I mean Russian.  And yes, I had to wear one of those silly water hats in order to enter the pool.  I was also the only without speedos, which I'm very proud of.  The second best part of that experience was the fact that I had to get a physical examination from another big 'ol Russian lady before entering the pool, and the best part of the experience was the fact that I had to change and shower (mandatory) in a locker room full of naked Russians having very animated conversation.  Anyone ever see Eastern Promises?  Yeah, THAT scene.  There was a Russian there trying to talk to me, and he spoke hardly any English and I speak hardly any Russian and watching us try to communicate was like watching a scene from Planet of the Apes.

Got a new student I'm teaching.  He's the chief lawyer of the largest cell phone company in Russia.  We sit and talk politics and economics at 8am, which is usually about an hour after I get to sleep.  Permanent jet-lag remember?  My control over the elementary class I'm teaching has now completely vanished and our classes now resemble a Federico Fellini film.  The only English they practice is Darth Vader quotes, which I gladly allow.

And a word about the Russian metros.  For a people who have a lot of practice standing in lines they sure aren't good at it.  First of all, upon entering the metro station its a given that at least 3 out of every 4 doors will be broken or locked up, which means that there are hundreds upon hundreds of Russians trying to squeeze through one door, and everybody's in a hurry.  With me right in the middle.  It's like a deranged rock concert.  People are pushing and shoving, then the whole crowd sways one way, then the whole crowd sways the other way, old ladies and men included, they're the most ferocious.  If somebody falls in that chaos, they are a goner.  Now I know what that Wal-Mart worker must've felt like right before he bought the farm.

Also just visited The Hermitage today in the Winter Palace, one of the best museums in the world.  I was with a group of Russians and I had to pretend like I was Russian to get a discount, which basically just meant I had to not say a word and have my face look like I just swallowed battery acid.  The place is amazing.  And right at closing time, while there are still a bunch of people inside, they shut off most of the lights, and of course when that happened I was in the ancient Egypt room so I was absolutely terrified.  I had to find my way back in almost complete darkness, hoping I wouldn't knock over a mummified corpse. 

The weather was actually very nice this week, for Russia that is.  No big snow yet.

And I saw my 3rd smile from a Russian national since I've been here.  It was astonishing.  It was like seeing a ghost.  Smiles are a hot commodity here.

And I think I'm also starting to have Mexican withdrawals.  My body does not cope well to seeing the entire staff of a McDonalds be comprised of white people.  That just ain't right.

Alright thats all.  Til next time.

From Russia With Dave - 11/24/08

This is the first FRWD letter I wrote way back in Nov. 2008.  Man was I green back then.

I arrived last Saturday with minimal hassle.  The Istanbul airport and St. Petersburg airport both had English translations for everything.  Thank God for British colonialism!  There were no goats walking around in the Istanbul airport in case any of you were wondering, but there were plenty of Starbucks.  Thank God for globalization!

I guess they knew I was coming cause there were fireworks over the city the night I arrived in St. Pete on my $100+ cab ride.  I live on the 4th floor of a pretty nice apartment complex and I have a good view of the main street outside.  I have my own room (very well heated I might add) and I live with 2 Russian girls.  (Yes!)  I didn't know that human beings existed in Siberia but I guess I was wrong cause one of my roommates is a bona fide Siberian.  She's a brand manager for a Russian tech company and is applying to go for her masters in London.  The other one is an English teacher as well and likes to cook deliciously aromatic food at 3 in the morning, which is fine with me cause I've accepted the fact that I'll have jet-lag for the entire duration of my stay here.  They both speak near perfect English, with a few verbal faux pas here and there which I never fail to chuckle at.  We have a good relationship here and me and the Siberian have been patronizing the nearest Japanese and Indian restaurants like a couple of jet-setters.  There is a McD's, Pizza Hut, Subway, KFC, and Baskin Robbins near my place.  As you'd expect those establishments are always PACKED.  And for the question you've all been wondering...there is no TV.

As for my English classes, they are random.  One of them is 2 ladies who work at an insurance company.  I teach them at the main office.  Another is 6 employees of a vitamin manufacturing company, I go to the company to teach them business english. Another is 6 employees of a large bank.  I go to the the bank also to teach them and I have a bank pass which I pass over lazer monitors to be let in.  Needless to say that place is getting robbed within the month.  These places are located around the city so I get to see the different parts of the city when going there.  I use the metro to go everywhere. And the last one, this is my favorite....I teach at a RUSSIAN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.  Yes, I am teaching English to Russian 10 year olds.  They've already had a couple years of English so they know an okay amount, but of course, my class is made up of most of the MISBEHAVED children.  I have Russian kids running around all over the place.  For break (which I guess this is a standard practice from what I've seen)  the students in all the classes basically have a recess in the hallway and run around and wrestle and cause all kinds of havoc right in the school hallway and all the teachers just stand around and talk with each other, which is just fine with me.  To shut them up I just pop in the latest Aladdin or Wallace and Gromit installment. There are about 6 other native English speakers working at this school - 2 Americans and the rest English or Scottish. 

Snow is beginning to fall, the rivers and canals are starting to freeze over and its getting COLD, but I think the most alarming development of my stay in Russia is that I've taken up a healthy tea habit.

Alright that's all for now.  Happy Thanksgiving (whenever that is).  Until next week