From Russia With Dave - 4/14/2010

Hello again friends!

I will make up for lack of quantity with length.  So I’ll give you a minute to get ready.  Stretch out your back, hold all calls, turn the TV down, tell your friend or colleague you don’t care who they saw at Chipotle. 
…

Ok here we go.

So its March (at least it was when I started this damn thing).  Which means spring right?  Spring.  That wonderful time of year when trees blossom, flowers grow, people fall in love, everythings good, everyones happy….right? …..WRONG.   Spring means the 130 year snowstorm that hit St. Pete has turned into the 130 year puddle.  That’s right.  The snow which was last seen by Benjamin Franklins peers has melted and the whole city is one giant puddle.  Which is worse than snow.  God forbid anybody walk around here in expensive shoes.  Or expensive clothes for that matter.  It’s all one big puddle.  But surely a city of over a million people like St. Pete should have a decent drainage and sewer system right?  Or at least a waste disposal organization which has in its best interests the public good?  Haha.  Please, Californians, enjoy what you have.  The level of unbelievable convenience you have really is an unbelievable blessing.  So, what’s the situation here.  The situation is the snowiest winter in a century has melted leaving the city and its inhabitants basically in an unprecedented dilemma.  And Russians are not especially adept at dealing with dilemmas.  The answer to most problems here is to light another cigarette and switch from the small shot glass to the large shot glass.  So the snow has melted on the street, yes, but what about the roofs?  By the way, what’s the plural of roof:  roofs or rooves?  I don’t know, and by consequence none of my students know either.  But as I say whenever I don’t know the answer to a question about English:  “whatever sounds right is the right answer.”  For example when they ask:  why is it “leave the keys on the table” instead of “stay the keys on the table”, I say it’s not “stay your keys on the table” because it sounds weird.  Then I follow it up with a rule:  if it sounds weird, don’t say it.  I think that’s the basic rule of all languages:  if it sounds weird, don’t say it. 

So where was I?  Oh yeah, the snow is melting and turning the city into the La Brea Tar Pits, except instead of dinosaurs and saber-tooth Tigers getting trapped it’s 80-year old babushkas in wooden shoes, which if seen from far away you might mistake them for a giant walking Coke can, but with less teeth.  That’s the thing about Russian women.  In the springtime of their lives they are unmatched in beauty (and feistiness), but in the winter time of their lives they suddenly, inexplicably, disastererously turn into hunchbacked walking Coke cans.  There is no in-between.  One day they’re Miss Universe, the next day they’ve fallen and they can’t get up.  Just don’t try and take that cigarette from their lips or they’ll give you a scolding which’ll send you back to…well, Russia.

But I digress again.  So the city’s underwater, let’s talk about the roofs (or rooves).  Or I guess the correct word here would be ceiling.  I live on the top floor of an extremely old building with an extremely old ceiling.  This old ceiling has been badly damaged over the years but instead of fixing it they just put in a makeshift ceiling underneath the original.  You know one of those office ceilings with the removable tiles and whatnot.  To make a long story short when the snow melted from the roof of our building, all the water basically just poured into my room, taking down a quarter of the makeshift ceiling with it.  This happened in the dead of night while I was peacefully trying to slumber.  I awoke with a bang and saw this catastrophe before me.  The old ceiling was exposed and looked something like a cross between Bleu cheese which has been left in the sun for a month and the surface of the moon.  The wallpaper came along with it.  Our antichrist landlord sends his sincerest apologies and says it’s the responsibility of the municipal authorities to fix it.  Which basically means your on your own pal.  We have gotten a discount on rent and actually I’ve gotten quite accustomed to my new surroundings here.  My Russian room looks like a modern art display.  I call it “Russian Room”. 

Another tell-tale sign that you live in Russia:  you can’t go to work because some strange man tried to enter your flat using the wrong key, which then got stuck, which then took 4 hours to get free.  Yes, I was in my flat just about ready to leave for class, when I heard somebody trying to unlock our door.  I looked in the keyhole, didn’t recognize him, then told him in English to get his key out of the door (which there’s no chance he understood a word of what I was saying).  He started cursing and trying to pull the key out but to no avail.  Then he went downstairs to get our little old chain-smoking maintenance lady who likewise started cursing and trying to yank the key out.  Then they both left and never returned and I was trapped in my flat.  My roommates were both at work so I was pretty much stuck.  I called in to cancel my class, and funnily enough nobody sounded surprised when I told them the reason I couldn’t work today.  “Yeah, sorry, I can’t come to work today there’s a key stuck in my door and I can’t leave.”  I broke a couple knives trying to lodge it out but it was stuck and stuck good.  My roommates finally came home, they couldn’t get it out, they called our landlord, and of course the main maintenance guy of the building was on vacation.  So we had to resort to calling in some weird specialist who arrived about an hour later with a tool which looked like Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s gun in Predator.  Frighteningly loud noises and vibrating doors ensued and finally the key emerged.  Just another day here in the land of plenty.

Ok, so now its mid-April and the good news is the weather has turned, the city has dried out (for the most part) and I’m enjoying sometimes sunny 45-50 degree weather here, which feels like a balmy tropical paradise.  I was in Prague for a week, which coincidentally was at the same time president Obama and Russian president Medvedev were there signing some nuclear treaty.  Spent some time in a hotel with the parents and then in hostels filled with filthy Australians.  Those Australians are everywhere.  My girlfriend had her 30th birthday dinner and I made a lovely toast to her entirely in the Russian language, then afterwards we went to a club and I made a mockery of myself by drunkenly surrounding myself with every girl there except the birthday girl.  She wasn’t too happy about that.  Hell hath no fury like an angry Russian girlfriend.  Good God.  But everything’s fine now, I guess.  Nothing a bouquet of flowers can’t fix.  Have I mentioned the Russian females obsession with flowers?  Well, they’re obsessed.  There’s all sorts of rules about the number and colors of flowers to give.  For example, never give a Russian lady an even number of flowers (which are for dead people) or of the yellow color (which are the “goodbye forever” flowers).  There are literally flower stands on every corner here, sometimes more.  Flowers everywhere. 

And last story before I leave you all.  Flashback about six months ago I was in a pub and some Finnish girls called me over to sit with them.  I dutifully obliged and started talking with them.  A few minutes later some old man inexplicably came over and started talking with them too.  Who was this guy?  I whispered to one of these girls that this “creepy old man” should go away.  The old man heard me and got offended.  “I might be old,” he said, “but I’m not creepy.”  His anger started escalating and I felt it best to leave before people started breaking beer bottles to use them as knives.  Now come back to the present.  I’m at the same pub with a friend of mine.  We’re talking at a table and my friend recognizes someone she knows and calls him over.  To my horror it’s the exact same creepy old man I just told you about.  We’re talking and it seems as if he doesn’t remember me and I let him not remember.  And now the kicker.  I asked him what he’s doing here in St. Pete and he answered to my utter surprise “I’m the General Director of Ford Motor Company”… !!!!...  Haha.  I called the general director of Ford a creepy old man and got away with it.  Only in Russia.

Well that’s all.  The days here are getting longer.  Gets dark at about 10pm now.  I included some pictures below.  Until next time, whenever that might be. 

p.s.  you know in an email address people say “at” for @ right?  Not here.  Russians say “sabaka” for @.  What does “sabaka” mean?  Dog.  Russians say “dog” for @.  Say your email using dog, it’s a guaranteed laugh.  My email address would read as “daveray four dog gmail dot com.”  Ok bye.

From Russia With Dave - 1/16/2010

Well hello friends, been a while eh?  Maybe too long.  To catch up this'll be a long one.  So starting at the beginning since last time:

December 1st, the first day of winter is here in the north of Mother Russia.  And actually for St. Pete the weather is tolerable.  And by tolerable I mean around 40 degrees.  Let me tell you that 40 degrees feels like Bora Bora at this time of year.  Global warming is here folks run for your lives!  Not too much snow yet either.  My big, obnoxiously heavy, furry winter coat is still hanging on the coat rack where it belongs and my big clodhopper winter shoes are still snug underneath my bed, where I'm guessing it serves as a little house for the mouse I swear is doing something under there.  Probably starting a family.  On that same subject there is a rotten watermelon in our kitchen which has been sitting on the floor for at least 5 weeks and has now turned into something resembling a hatched Alien pod.  Maybe thats whats underneath my bed.  I'm having visions of John Hurt right now.

Anyway so whats been happening?  Well I was in Paris for a week with the girlfriend, her 2 girlfriends, and their 3 respective children, 2 girls and a boy, all 6 years old.  We all shared the same flat.  Sound exhausting?  Something bordering on the outskirts of hell?  Well it wasn't that bad but now I know what its like to take whiny children on vacation.  No thanks Dr. John.  We did go to Euro Disneyland though which was hilarious.  Only because every Disney character speaks French, which is hilarious.  Buzz Lightyear was the funniest, "To Infinity and Beyond" just doesn't sound as cool in French.  We also visited a waterpark in which I was forced, yes forced, to wear Speedos instead of my swim trunks.  Yes I had to buy Speedos, put them on, and walk out into public.  In Speedos.  Oh horror of horrors.  It was like Apocalypse Now except no Dennis Hopper.

What else?  I had my birthday on Dec. 14th.  Some of my classes were kind enough to get me gifts.  Besides the obligatory coffee mugs and men bathroom stuff, one class got me a bottle of vodka, a jar of pickles, a can of herring, and bread.  Either a traditional vodka snack or they're worried I'm not eating enough.  And another one of my classes actually made me something.  Yes, put time and effort into silkscreening me a T-shirt.  In this particular class I say "Crystal Clear" a lot.  As in "is that understood?  Is that clear?  Is that crystal clear?"  So, bless them, they made me shirt with a bunch of crystals on it which said Crystal Clear?  I've decided that Crystal Clear? is the new Got Milk?

So then I went home for a week for Xmas, after missing a couple flights and spending the night in indiscriminate airports of course.  When I left St. Pete everything was normal, it was snowing but just normally, nothing to write home about.  But when I returned after my week in the States I was shocked and awed into discovering the place had mutated into a veritable Matterhorn of snow (including that still-extremely-scary snow monster).  No seriously, the city was covered in mountains of snow.  It was amazing.  I then learned that during the week I was gone, St. Pete experienced its worst snow in 130 years!!  Yes, 130 years!!  The last time it snowed like this there was this strange and possibly devilish thing called "electricity" forcing its ways into the traditional lifestyle of everyday people.  The Soviets never saw snow like this.  So to sum up, there's a lot of snow everywhere.  A friend gave me present of a scarf, which is about 10 feet long, and after wrapping it around my neck about 6 times I look like the Michelin Man (you know that tire guy).  The trees have taken on a fantasy-like white color and its really beautiful here right now.  Winter wonderland.  And everybody has jolly red noses.

And then New Years happened here.  If you all remember from last year New Years here is like Xmas and New Years wrapped into one mega-holiday.  New Years is the day that Santa comes and presents are exchanged.  Except they don't call him Santa Claus here they call him "Grandfather Frost".  And he wears a long red robe (sometimes blue), and sometimes even carries a long scepter, which I want.  He also has a granddaughter which I think is just plain wrong.  I know that Santa has a Mrs. Claus but the thought of them producing children is just way beyond my already vivid imagination.  So I spent New Years with the girlfriend, her sister, her sisters boyfriend, and the daughter.  The boyfriend brought a bottle of whiskey along, which we both finished, which was hilarious.  I was feeling no pain when my girlfriend informed me we would be visiting her fathers house.  I had never met her father before and all that whiskey I drank had suddenly seemed to be a bad idea.  But it was okay because when we got there her father was drunk too, and had a big old thick mustache which I coldn't help but admire.  I forgot it was New Years and if anybody wasn't drunk it was because....well there was no reason for anybody not to be drunk.  This is Russia folks.  People drink.  So me and her father had a merry time.  He knew about 5 completely scattered English words and he spoke those to me all throughout the night, no matter what the topic of conversation was.  He was also extremely pleased to offer me an Israeli cigarette.  It was like a Japanese tea ceremony when he gave it to me.  This is Russia folks.  People smoke.  So then I woke up the next morning with a bad headache (caused by what I dont know) and found that my girlfriend had gone to work (when she works its for a 24 hr period) and I was in charge of babysitting her sick child all day and night.  Happy New Years Dave!

All of Russia shuts down for the first 10 days of January.  I'm guessing to give everyone enough time to recuperate.  Nobody works, nobody goes to school, everybody just freezes their ass off in the streets with a constant alcoholic beverage in their heavily-mittened hands.  My roommates were all gone, I had the place to myself, and the internet was down for the whole week.  Hell on earth?  Yes.  The antichrist is here and he's unplugging everyones internet.  By the way Russian landlords are not efficient people.  Just had to get that off my chest.  Actually everytime we go to pay rent we have to give it to this strange bald man who is either in a bathrobe or in head-to-toe leather biker gear.  It's genuinely scary.  Then we have to call 5 or 6 times the next week to remind him to turn on the internet.  The antichrist is here and he's dressed in bathrobes or head-to-toe leather biker gear.  And he has no hair.  And speaks Russian.  And is our landlord.  My God.

But now its back to work teaching classes.  The weather has improved a little but you never know what the next day will bring.  It'll either be just plain cold or....the worst snow in over 130 years.  One of those two.  When I told my classes I was in Los Angeles for a week everyone was shocked to hear that I was a little disappointed that it was about 60 degrees.  Most Russians would sell their next of kin into slavery for constant 60 degree weather.  They are also always interested in the types of questions I get and the attitudes Americans have about Russia.  Most Russians think that Americans think that there are vodka-drinking bears walking down the main streets of Russian cities.  Which I for one, wish was true.  I tell them that except for almost everything, America and Russia are a lot alike.  Just people dealing with their problems the best way they know how.  The difference being Russians just have so many more problems.  The main one being they live in Russia.  But come on I make it sound worse than it actually is.  Weird as it may sound I kinda like it here.  (Usually) Friendly, sad, deep, hospitable, no-nonsense people with a history of alcoholism who like to eat, drink, innertube down mountains, wear dark clothes, play strange musical instruments and go on vacation.  Russia.  Crystal Clear.

Til next time.

From Russia With Dave - 10/30/2009

Hello everybody back again.  It's almost coming up on my year anniversary of living in the land of plenty.  The celebration will be with rain-drenched bread crumbs.

The first day of snow officially happend on Oct. 13.  Ouch.  And boy did it snow.  It hasn't snowed since then, but the rain has more than made up for it.  The heat has been turned on in our flat thank god.  By the way, the governement dictates when the gas is turned on and off to heat all the living areas of the city.  Everybody knows the day the heat will be turned on and if its really cold before that than tough.  Put on a fir coat you whiners.  I've also had to tape up all the cracks in my windows to ensure no frosty wind makes it way into my room.  Hopefully it will keep the bears out also.  I just learned that my femail roommate is from the great nation of Belarus, or Belarussia to some.  It's funny cause I didn't know anybody lived there but my roommate is testament to the fact that indeed human beings live in Belarus.  So first it was female Siberian roommates and now its a female Belarussian roommate.  And a predominately Ukrainian girlfriend.  Hmm.  A funny situation happened the other day.  My male roommates parents came to dinner at our flat.  They spoke no English so Sergei, my roommmate, was the interpreter.  His mother was wearing very funky socks and I wanted to point out that I liked her socks.  The word for socks is "noskie".  But I made a slight mistake and I said I liked her "soskie".  Everybody's eyes bugged out of their heads and Sergei started cracking up laughing and then informed me that "soskie" is the word for NIPPLES.  I told Sergei's mom, a Russian woman I'd never met before, that I liked her nipples.  It was unbeleivable.  Everybody laughed it off but now I have one of those classic mistaken-translation stories.  I've always wanted one of those. I also happened to visit the local circus here in St. Pete.  That's right, the circus.  It was great.  They had lions and acrobats and clowns and the whole shebang.  They had Apes dressed up like the Las Vegas Elvis doing his honky tonk dance and, my personal favorite, Apes dressed up like Hassidic Jews and doing that funny dance with their arms crossed and kicking their legs up in the air.  I was going bananas.  Apes dressed as Hassidic Jews!  Only in Russia!  The MC of the circus was also dressed up as a giant grotesque wizard which had to have been frightening to the children.  Not to mention the constant dung flowing from every animal.

I leave for Paris tomorrow with the girlfriend, her daughter, her two girlfriends, and their daughter and son.  It will be me and six Russians walking around Paris like chickens with our heads cut off (yeah, I used that one again Mike).  We're sharing an apartment, which will be hilarious, we're going to a French water park, which will be hilarious (speedos), and my favorite, we're going to...Euro Disneyland, which will be completely hilarious.  I will die a happy man if I can hear Donald Duck speaking French.

Other than that not much else is going on.  November 4 is a national holiday to celebrate the time in the early 1600's when Russia freed themselves from Polish control, which I think is also hilarious.  I wouldn't want to be a Pole in Russia right now, both the people and the actual things.  Halloween is coming here also.  Halloween is a very recent thing to arrive in Russia and many people still have mixed feelings about it.  The new generation love it of course, but the older people look on it with derision and call it "the devils holiday".  However trick or treating is not part of it.  I guess its hard to trick or treat when its 35 degrees outside and the rain is making your spiderman costume turn into a Jabba the Hut costume. 

ok thats all.  See you next time.  At the year anniversary.

From Russia With Dave - 9/28/2009

Well, well, well, somebody decided to return to Russia of their own free will.  That's right.  My contract was up, everything was in order, no obligations, no dictator forcing me to build an enormous gas pipeline, no nothing.  And I decided to come back to brave another frozen 5 month Russian winter.  Remember all those winter stories?  Remember spending 45 minutes to get ready to walk 20 feet to the market?  Well I'm gonna do it again.  Good thing I didn't get ride of my whopper furry jacket.  That thing's a whopper.  But my girlfriend just informed me that I look like the Russian equivalent of a wife beating trailer inhabitant when I wear it.  They call those type of people "gasterbaters" here.  Yeah that's right...gasterbaters.  Which is now my new favorite word in ANY language.

I moved into a new apartment which overlooks one of the main, and probably busiest, squares of the city.  It's like the Times Square of St. Petersburg.  I fall asleep by guessing which color will reflect on my wall from the giant TV screen across the square from my window.  This is heavy downtown where you can find all the people with big jackets and when they open them up they have watches for sale.  Whatever happened to those people?  The answer is they moved to Russia.  More specifically 500 yards from where I go to sleep at night.  No thanks I already have my fake gold watch which everybody thinks is real and I gladly let them beleive it.  My apartment's nice and big though and I'm liking it so far.  I live with one of my former students named Sergey and then we found a girl from the internet to live with us and now Sergey and aforementioned girl don't find it necessary to sleep in seperate rooms.  It's Russia after all they need to conserve space.  I have a nice big sofa bed covered in flower-design blankets and giant flower-design pillows.  Bougainvillas anyone?  I also have a TV in my room which oddly enough only plays shows in Russian.  I never thought the show Scrubs was funny... until I watched it in Russian that is.  Our refridgerater broke (it's Russia), we put in a request to get it fixed three weeks ago (it's Russia) and the fridge is still broke (it's Russia).  Which reminds me of a popular Russian joke:  someone buys a car but the dealer says he can't pick it up for five years to the day from when he buys it.  Five years the guy asks? Why?  Well, the dealer said, there's a lot that goes into selling somebody a car and we're already backed up as it is.  Okay the guy says, then remembering something he asks, but what time five years from today?  What does it matter the dealer asks, it's five years from now.  Because, the man answers, the plumber's coming in the morning!  Haha, that's just a great one.  But the fridge situation is actually okay with me cause now when my roommates make deliciously aromatic food they can't save it so by default I have to eat it when they sleep.  Give me potatoes!

My second round of classes have begun and I've learned that as long as you make the people laugh in class, you can pretty much teach them whatever you want and it's all good.  I think I want to start a new class "How to Speak Like Forrest Gump".  By the way Forrest Gump is an enormously popular movie over here, as is Harley Davidson and The Marlboro Man starring Mickey Rourke and the great Don Johnson.  I've also wisened up and acquired some private students who come to my flat for lessons aka no pressure at all.  I'm learning more Russian now and everybody tells me I have great pronunciation.  If you've seen Rounders 15 times you'd have great Russian pronunciation as well.  God Bless John Malkovich.  The girlfriend is doing good, as long as she fills my belly with borsch everything's good.  We're taking her daughter to a Russian water park not unlike Wild Rivers in the next couple days.  That should be a hilarious experience.  Watching Russians at a water park that is.  8 words:  Russian men with weird looking bodies in Speedos.

Alright thats all for now.  Autumn is here and all the trees are changing colors to a beautiful orange and red.  I feel sorry for the poor bastard who has to rake them all up.  Talk to you soon.

From Russia With Dave - 8/10/2009

Hello all, back again.  Its been 9 months now in Old Mother Russia, though its felt like its been about 10.

Just got back from my first trip to Moscow, the heart of the evil empire. Just flew there in the morning and flew back at night.  I felt glorious and downright powerful standing in Red Square and the Kremlin.  All that was missing was an AK-47 in my hands and a horde of dysfunctional inter-continental ballistic missiles.  I saw the cryogenically intact body of one Vladimir Lenin.  First of all there's a line practically extending to St. Petersburg waiting to see it, and second of all, it stunk.  Not like it was stinky but that it was not that great.  There was just a little yellow plastic-wax looking man in a glass box.  10 seconds and its over and you're just like "and what?"  Lenin stunk.  The real pleasure was just standing in red square amidst communist icons galore.  They loved their communism there.  Hammers and sickles everywhere.  That big onion-dome church which everybody associates with Moscow (and Tetris) is amazing.  I couldn't get enough of it.  It really is a spectacular view.  Also went to a museum devoted to a single battle in 1812 during Napoleons russian campaign which featured a 50' panoramic painting of the battle.  Needless to say I was in heaven.  The center of Moscow really is impressive, its probably one of my favorite city centers I've been to.  But once you get out of the center you're just in a boring, industrial workers "paradise".  Plain buildings and grumbling people.  Probably cause they're working.  Former communists love to work.  And the customer is never right.  Come to think of it the worker is never right either.  Thats something about Russia - the worker AND the customer are never right.  Another thing about Russia - frequent unpleasant surprises.  But everyone learns to deal with it and expect it and you learn not to get upset when plans go awry - just take a shot of vodka and keep on keepin' on. 

Before I forget I just want to say that I really miss Kraft Macaroni n Cheese.  OK I said it.

I've been going to my girlfriends dacha a lot recently.  For those of you who aren't Russian pretty much every Russian family has a "dacha" out in the country which is basically their equivalent of a summer house, the only difference is instead of a nice house near the beach, its a shitty house in the forest.  Its actually a nice area near a pristine lake with a little beach and great water to swim in, but its still a shitty house.  2 words:  No Plumbing.  Yes, you have to drive 10 minutes to the communal showers (I passed on that attractive option), walk 3 minutes to the communal sinks and walk another 5 minutes to the communal outhouse - which was one of the worst experiences of my life.  Just a big wood box with a hole - kind of like the beginning of Slumdog Millionaire.  Still it was comforting to see the same English doodles and phrases you see in any public restroom in America.  My favorite is always the one that says "What are u lookin' at?" on the wall right in your line of vision.  You also have to pass by the most ferocious guard dog in history to get there.  It's like a mini version of The Odyssey.  And don't get me started on the mosquitoes.  But again, the Russians like it, learn to deal with it, and have a great time while they're there.  Just take a shot of vodka, eat 'til you explode, and keep on keepin' on.

Alright thats all folks, I'm coming back to the States this Thursday for 10 days.

Til next time, whenever that may be,

From Russia With Dave - 7/15/2009

Hello all.  I've been gone for a while and in that time many new, strange, and downright revolutionary things have occured.  So now I'm back and lets get to it.

So last time I left you summer was just getting underway in Petersburg and everything was sunny with birds chirping and guys in speedos strolling down the boulevards to some old Motown rhythm.  Well, right after I wrote that the rain started.  And continued.  And continued.  The weather in Petersburg is one of the strangest phenomena period.  Hardcore sunshine bliss is instantly and inexplicably followed by hardcore sludge rain bogusness, usually in the same day.  The audacity.  It certainly makes it hard to choose an outfit for the day.  I really should've bought that waterproofing spray.  And then it stays light outside til about 1am every night.  You can read perfectly fine outside at midnight here right now.  Not that I've tried it.  Actually I have.

Also by some twisted turn of events I have a Russian girlfriend here.  One of my American colleagues who has a Russian wife set me up on a blind meeting with the wifes daughter and its just been gaga since then.  And by gaga I mean I already took her to Istanbul.  Olga's the name.  Not gonna lie not a huge fan of it.  The name that is.  I'm actually at her house right now and hoping she doesn't come in and read what I just wrote cause then I would get a hilarious chewing out in perfect Russian.  Her English is pretty hilarious also.  And just in case any of you were wondering... yes, she did used to ride dirtbikes competitively.  Thats not a joke.
Summers pretty slow here for teaching work and I took a little holiday.  First went to Istanbul with aforementioned Olga.  Amazing place.  Turkish people might take the award for perseverance in trying to sell you stuff.  Walking down the street we were bombarded with Turks one right after the other with the usual line like this:  "Hello, Where you from?  You wanna have a nice evening with your lady?  I give you best table"  or something like "Hello, where you from?  You need some leather pants?"  Then the olgameister and I parted ways, she back to mother Russia and I off to Madrid to meet some friends from the states.  We were in Madrid for one night and unbeknownst to us it happened to be the largest gay pride festival/parade in Spain, possibly in all of Europe.  Not that theres anything wrong with that of course. 

Then it was off to Pamplona for the running of the bulls for 3 nights.  Yes I ran and yes it was terrifying.  It starts very early in the morning and like most people I just stayed up all night then did it, and also like most people my body was not free of intoxicating liquids.  I made it out okay (read: not mauled) and am the better for it.  That's something that'll really wake you up in the morning.  Then it was off to Barcelona for a night, which really just turned into an extended nap.  Didn't help that it was probably the one day of the summer where it rained all day.  Then to the tourist Disneyland known as Rome for 4 nights where nothing out of the ordinary happened and hence doesn't belong in this email.  It was a heck of a trip, my body feels like a symptoms list for Propecia.  So now I'm back in my old mother russia.  I'll stay here for a few weeks then I plan to come back to america the beautiful for a couple weeks.  I say a couple weeks and not forever cause I now plan on staying in Russia for a bit longer than originally expected.  If any of you think the girlfriend has anything to do with that decision then you're absolutely right.

Alright thats all for now.  I'll try to get these emails off at shorter intervals but you know how it is.  Hopefully I'll see some of you when I'm back in August.  Right now I'm shooting for somewhere around the middle two weeks.

ps.  It just started POURING right now after a nice sunny day.

From Russia With Dave - 5/6/2009

Hello.  Hello.  Hello.

Well now its May and the city has literally transformed overnight from a gloomy, frozen, mullet-infested swampland to a vibrant, exciting, tourist-haven paradise.  Mullets still included though.  Outside seating at cafes, which was unthinkable a month ago, have sprouted up at many places.  I remember when I first saw people wearing sunglasses and was like "whoa, look at that".  And when I saw the first signs of green on the trees I was like "whoa, look at that".  And when I saw the first Russian woman wearing clothes that didn't cover every square inch of her I was like "whoa, look at that", and conversely when I saw the first Russian man wearing nothing but speedos near the river I was like "nothing to see hear folks", then I wanted to gouge my eyes out.   There are little beaches along the river here and Russian men just love wearing speedos all over them, packed very tightly.  And, holy of holies, I even saw a bunch of guys in speedos playing soccer in the park!  Just speedos and sports shoes.  There should be laws against that.  Yes, the sun is bright and shiny and jackets aren't really necessary anymore.  T-shirts are becoming common.  But since I'm in Russia they're real cheesy T-shirts with cheesy slogans in English on them like "I Don't Play Nice" or something like that.  Russians are about a decade behind in terms of pop culture coolness.  I think I actually saw a shirt that just said NOT in big letters. The last day of official snow here was April 17.  I know cause I visited the Hermitage again for the 3rd time for no particular reason.  The city is hardcore gearing up for the tourist season, porta-potties and beer gardens are springing up like inedible mushrooms, and there's no pleasure like being able to walk around the city amidst the throngs of masses with a beer in your hands and and an ipod in your ear.  Also I've been playing a lot of frisbee on that glorious green stuff called grass.  However out of habit whenever the frisbee might hit a pedestrian I yell out "Heads Up!" but nobody ever puts their head up cause they can't understand a damn word I say.  I think "Heads Up" needs to become an international phrase like "Ok" and "uh-huh".

I went to an opera for the first time I think in my life and to make a long story short I left at the first intermission.  Everybody told me there are English subtitles at all the operas but of course I picked out the one opera to go to that was in Italian with Russian subtitles.  So I was just kinda sitting there while these weird people sang in strange voices on stage.  I couldn't get comfortable in my chair either which there are no words to describe how annoying that was.  The only thing that made it worthwhile was the theatre itself.  The Maryinsky theatre is world famous and rightly so.  Absolutely decadent and ridiculously opulent.  Fit for a Tsar.  Next up - the ballet. 

A couple more quirks about the Russian people.  Whenever anything surprising or slightly upsetting happens to them, they use the word "oy" to express it.  If they drop something its "oy", if they say the wrong answer its "oy", if the subway suddenly lurches to one side its "oy".  Everything is "oy" and "oy" is everything.  I find myself unconsciously using this little word now much to my own amusement.  And the next quirk: popular Russian vacation destinations!  In order from most popular to least popular:  Egypt, Cuba, Turkey, Finland, and.....SRI LANKA!  I think everyone I've met has been to Egypt multiple times, some people I know are getting married in Cuba and some of my students just got back from a 3 week getaway to the peaceful, serene, non-war zone paradise of Sri Lanka.  Complete with Frosted Flakes featuring Tony "The Tamil" Tiger.  Anybody?

May 1st was a holiday known as "Workers Day" and there was a medium sized parade which was just made up of anybody who wanted to be in it.  I guess they were workers.  May 9th is also a holiday and besides New Years its probably the biggest holiday of the year.  Its Victory Day and celebrates the defeat of those Nazis.  There will be a huge military parade which I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to seeing.  I really hope there are ballistic missiles involved but I'll settle for uniformed soldiers walking in unison each one with an AK-47. 

Alright thats all for now.  I'll be back again sometime soon.

From Russia With Dave - 4/6/2009

Hello all, back by popular demand.

At the half-way point with my time in the land of plenty...

Ok, so its Spring here in Russia, which means that now instead of freezing cold, its just cold.  For the most part it isn't snowing anymore and the ice has melted from the river and canals, but the wind blows, and the rain falls, and its just a big sloppy mess.  There isn't a very effective way of dealing with snow or rain buildup here.  When there's a big pile of snow, they throw some unidentified powder on it so it turns into a giant puddle and after that and a few cigarettes, their work is done.  The days are getting a lot longer though and the sun shines now on a regular basis.  It gets dark around 9pm here, in a couple months it will stay dark until after midnight.  More people are out on the street and you can feel the beginnings of excitement towards summer.  The time changed by an hour the other day, which I had no clue about, and I missed my class for the day.  Oh well, I am in Russia after all.  Nobody cares.  I'm back to working about 15 hours a week which is just fine by me.  I've also increased my weekly intake of drinkable yogurt, which is also just fine by me.  Oh and there's been a new development in my regular Russian diet....Frozen Pizzas!  Lots of 'em!

My shedule now is all evening classes with one day class where I teach 10 year olds at a school.  Me with the kids is just an absolute farce.  I walk into class with some word searches or other such nonsense, put some paper in front of them and then brace myself for 2 hours of chaos.  Its seriously no-holds barred in my classroom.  Wrestling, spitting, throwing sharp objects, and drawing obscene and grotesque monsters on the chalkboard - which is nice cause I usually forget to erase the board when I leave.  It's always fun when some of the administration surprises me and sits in on the class, then I have to spontaneously act like I'm teaching something and come up with some ridiculous lesson that has nothing to do with anything that everybody, especially the kids, knows is just stupid.  And the classroom I teach in isn't really a classroom at all.  Its seriously about 15 feet long and about 6 feet wide.  We're squeezed in their like a long prison cell, which is exactly what it feels like and exactly how the kids act.  Like criminals that is.  Ruthless ones.  Another native speaker with a similar group of kids is having a similar experience to me.  Only he's about 60 years old, curses like a sailor, uses weird antebellum-era racial slurs in his everyday speech, constantly makes fart noises with his mouth, and is from Nebraska, or as he calls it "the land of nothing".  He's been here for about 5 years, has a Russian wife who he met at a Russian dating service, and whom, according to him, doesn't understand English except for 2 phrases he taught her: "bring me this" and "now take it away."  He's a character.  have a pretty good laugh about "teaching kids". 

With my free time in the day I've been doing a lot of walking around the city.  I'm a walking fool.  I can walk like the wind blows.  Kind of like Forrest Gump, except walking instead of ruuuning.  By the way, Forrest Gump is a surprisingly very popular movie among the Russians.  I'm still trying to get an impression out of one of them though.  I can die a happy man once I hear a Russian imitating Forrest Gump.

One of my roommates got flooded out of her room when the neighbors upstairs attempted to do a (relatively minor I'm sure) plumbing repair.  Half the ceiling drywall collapsed along with all the wallpaper.  It actually might've been an improvement to the overall decor.  So she's been living in the dining room which is random.  Better than me though.  We have workers here now fixing her room.  And when I say workers I mean an old married couple who chain smoke and laugh heartily while doing the job.

Oh, and some group of people blew a big hole in a prominent Lenin statue last week.  Blew a hole right where his rear end should be.  So now there's a big Lenin statue with a big hole in his ass.  People will probably start living in there now.  Speaking of Lenin, from my observations, people look on it as a relatively good thing that communism collapsed here, but there is still widespread mistrust of America.  It's still a sensitive topic talking about the fall of the USSR.  People enjoy the economic advantages capitalism has brought but theres still that feeling that "America won" and that does not sit well.  I think the young kids who have been brought up with American culture will have a different attitude.  Also, people just accept it as a given that their government isn't really democratic and there is no real opposition.  They just laugh it off as a normal and unchangeable part of life.  Just like bad hairstyles.

Alright that's about it for now.

From Russia With Dave - 12/14/2008

An old one I found:

Hello all, got a month under by belt.  Today also happens to be my birthday.  I rewarded myself with a new electric razor and a very bizarre rug which is starting to really disturb me the more I look at it, let alone put my feet on it.

Well I made my first trip to a Russian IKEA, or as they call it EKEA.  It was located out in the dirty, grimy Petersburg suburbs - where all the "workers" live.  And by workers I mean disgusting people.  We had to take a half hour metro ride then take a bus which I swear was on loan from the Zimbabwe government to the giant, otherworldy complex that is every IKEA. Beforehand though I had the pleasure of viewing a bald Russian who looked like Sloth from the Goonies walk around the middle of the road with one eye closed and mouth wide open then walk headfirst into another Zimbabwe bus.  Making really weird noises too.  I was the only one laughing.  The IKEA was exactly like every other IKEA.  That's where I got my bizarre rug - and boy is it bizarre.

I also had to make a mandatory trip to a Russian hospital in order to get an HIV test for my Visa renewal.  Yes, in order to live in Russia for longer than 3 months, you need to prove that you don't have AIDS.  And of course I had to go to a specific hospital and of course with these clowns in was in another dirty, grimy suburb of Petersburg.  Full of "workers".  And of course I got lost and had to go in some big factory of some sorts and play a game of Charades with the security guard to find out where the hospital was.  Then when I finally got to the hospital I had to play another game of Charades with the front desk to let them know I needed an HIV test.  I got the same test right before I left so don't anybody worry about the results.  But now that I think of it I was on a Zimbabwean bus beforehand...

 As for work, there was a new American guy working for my company who just up and flew back home without telling anybody.  Hahaa.  His hot water probably wasn't working.  So now I have to take over his Kindergarten classes for the next couple months.  That's Kindergarten.  Where the kids take naps at school.  We're talking 6 year olds here.  And I'll be teaching them.  Everyday.  9am-2pm.  I hear they're about to put on a Christmas recital which I will for sure be chaperoning and maybe with my skills at Charades might even partake in.  But one thing's for sure, I will get all the free orange juice and cheese danishes my stomach can handle. 

We got a new roommate who just moved in a couple days ago.  She's another Siberian blonde.  I can't seem to escape Siberian blondes.  Poor me.  We all went to see some genuine Russian cinema the other night.  Well actually the movie was in French with Russian subtitles.  So I understood positively nothing.  And it was a good 2+ hour movie.  From what I've heard it was good.  Russian theaters give you assigned seats at the beginning and there are ushers and the whole shebang.  And there was a bar and alchohol is allowed in the theater.  Which made it easier.  When everyone else laughed I took it as a sign that something funny had just been said. 


Alright thats all the fun for now.

From Russia With Dave - 12/7/2008

Another old one I found:

Well the power and hot water was down today so earlier I had the opportunity to take a cold shower in the dark while it was snowing outside in Russia.  It was one of those things that I hope doesn't happen again.  But as a popular Russian expression goes, "The only thing colder than the cold water is the hot water."  Earlier this week one of the guys I teach took me on a little walking tour of the city (In the rain of course - which reminds me, I need to buy an umbrella), but first we picked up his girlfriend, who gave me an orange as a sort of gift.  I was like "Oh, ok, thanks for the orange".  So I was just walking around with them struggling to peel this thing and then I proceeded to devour it like an animal to ward off the scurvy.

Went to a concert the other night to see some Swedish group (Insert ABBA joke here) and when me and my roommate came back, our door was locked from the inside, the other roommates phone was off, and the roommates phone had just run out of juice.  So after sitting there pounding on the door for about an hour, in which we woke up everybody in our building except our roommate, we went out into the poring snow to this random hotel bar, where to my amazement they had "Grog" on the menu, so the pirate in me ordered a few glasses, roommate charged her phone, and ended up calling a friend of a friend who she's never met to ask if we could stay at his place at 3am.  Luckily it was ok, so we walk to this guys place, he answers the door in a full body black jumpsuit smoking a cigarette, and when we get inside he starts telling me about all his weird experiences in remote Asian countries in hilarious broken English.  So me and the roommate got his bed, well it actually wasn't a bed in the proper sense, it was more of a big plank of wood jutting out from the wall which we had to climb up a shaky wooden ladder to get to with a huge Marilyn Monroe poster over it.  Good thing I had a belly full o' grog.  And then I had to wake up a couple hours later to teach a brand new 3 hour class the business vocabulary of balance sheets and income statements, still with a belly full o' grog.

Other than that I'm settling into the weekly groove.  I pretty much teach classes in the morning before the workday begins and in the evenings after the work days.  I work about 18-20 hours a week which is plenty.  It's now snowing on a daily basis.  There are Christmas trees and Christmas decorations everywhere in the city, it looks pretty amazing at night.  It starts getting dark around 4pm and ends around 10am, and then in between those times its just a deep gray.  Had my first genuine Russian Borscht which was extremely delicious.  The most popular food in Russia is sushi, there are sushi places everywhere - with genuine Asians working at them.  I went in this one sushi place and they had a Tom and Jerry cartoon playing on TV screens on every wall.  Hilarious.

Ok thats all for now.

From Russia With Dave - 3/1/09

Hello everybody.  Been a while eh?

I just got back from one of my Russian friends house where everyone stayed up all night playing Monopoly and a board game called Colonization and it was one of the more satisfying evenings I've had in a while.  Russians love their board games.  Almost as much as they love their beet-root salad.  Which is almost as much as they love wearing their hair in a mullet.  Tons of mullets here.  If I had a kopek for every mullet I've seen in the last week I'd have a ruble.  My friend had a little cold but he refused to take showers cause he said Russian doctors say you shouldn't take showers or baths when you're sick because it's not good for you to be warm then be cold when you leave the bathroom.  I really wanted to start laughing in his face when he said this.  By the way Russians are very good at heating their houses.

And speaking of houses, there aren't any here in the city.  Absolutely no houses like were all accustomed to.  There are just big complexes of flats, or apartments, some bigger than others.  No houses.  It's kind of weird.  There being no houses there is.  People don't live in houses here, everyone lives in a big dormitory basically.  So, with that in mind, I've heard from more than one person that Russians are obsessed with the American "House Party" like they see in the movies.  And now that I think of it, house parties rule, and I'm glad I was raised in a culture where house parties were more than just an unreachable dream on the movie screen.  Did I mention that fact that there are no houses here?  But to be fair, people usually do have a house out in the "country" (I shudder to think of what that consists of) which they go to on weekends and holidays.  But there are definitely no house parties there.

And also from my discussions with the mobile phone lawyer I've learned 2 new things about Russian views to Americans.  One, they think that John McCain was a serious contender for the president because Americans mistook him for....wait for it....Steve Martin!  Its a huge joke in Russia about Americans love for everything celebrity.  And I live in the state where Arnold Schwarzeneggar is governer!  And two, one of the most lasting views Russians have from American films is when the father opens up the front door in the morning with a robe on and is greeted by a flying newspaper to the head, thrown from the local paper boy on a bicycle.  So to sum up, the 3 main images Russians have about Americans from the movies so far are 1) A person being held upside down and having the toilet flushed on their head; 2) Out of control house parties: and 3) flying newspapers hitting fathers in the head in the morning.

I was also schooled in the traditional Russian way to drink vodka by one of my older students.  Remember Vladimir with no hair?  Yeah with him.  So this is how it goes.  Russians don't chase a vodka shot with liquids.  They chase it with food.  The 3 most traditional things to chase down a vodka shot is salted cucumber (tastes exactly like a dill pickle and I got into a little argument with him saying it WAS a dill pickle), cabbage salad (tastes like sour cole slaw), and little weird mushrooms which I still don't trust.  So you take the vodka shot - the whole thing, not just a sip, Russians consider it arrogant and boastful to sip vodka, you need to take it down in one gulp - and then instantly eat one of the above mentioned curiosities. The most traditional snack to go along with drinking is salted herring with a little potato and onions, which is actually quite delicious.

Monday was a national holiday here called Day of the Defenders of the Motherland, which sounds like a holiday I want to be a part of.  It's basically the day of the Russian army, but the funny thing is that its commonly just referred to as "Man's Day".  Haha, Man's Day.  This is the day where Russian men are honored with new shaving kits and new coffee mugs.  Which is exactly what I received from my work.  "So, how was your Man's Day?  Fine, thanks."  Next month is "Woman's Day" which from what I hear is like Valentine's Day on steroids. 

Alright thats all folks.  I have no more kindergarten left so hooray, back to a normal schedule.  This calls for a celebration, I'm thinking board games.

From Russia With Dave - 2/8/09

Hello all,

12 weeks under my belt.  Everything's gotten to be pretty normal.  The shock and awe has pretty much worn off and I just go about my days like anywhere else, laughing to myself at the daily struggles of Russians. 

Let's talk food.  I've got the Russian version of 7-11 which I visit pretty much everyday, buying whatever weird food creations catch my eye.  I'm actually there so often that the security guard knows me by name and everytime I come in he tries to get some English practice, which is hilarious.  Tonight I told him how to say beer.  His name's Roustam, he's from Georgia.  Haha.  It's been a terrible struggle filling my belly without a microwave.  I'm lost without one.  How do people eat without microwaves??  My roommates, to my utter amazement, cook almost every meal they eat.  It's mind-boggling.  They spend about a half hour preparing a meal and brewing tea, then just go to the table and eat it for 7 minutes, then go about their day.  And I just go in the fridge and gulp down a drinkable yogurt, maybe throw down a couple sweet pickles, maybe a slice of God-knows-what type of cheese, and that's it, done deal.  If it wasn't for drinkable yogurts I might've had to fly home early.  Our fridge has two very distinct cultural styles in it - on the one hand there are beet roots, cucumbers, cabbage, tomatoes and other raw materials that go into cooking a meal and then the leftovers of those meals, which usually include fish heads of some sort, and on the other hand there are drinkable yogurts....tons of them.  I usually do most of my eating on the road.  The kindergarten feeds me and there is a blini stand right next to our house which I visit quite often.  Blinis are like crepes, or thin pancakes.  Russians fill them with any and everything at their disposal, from caviar to ham n eggs.  I kinda feel like one right now actually and I probably would go get one if it wasn't such a HUGE production to get ready to go outside in the snow.  And last thing, I have not seen any corn whatsoever in Russia and its starting to annoy me.  They tell me Russians don't eat corn.  What are they communists??

My Tuesday morning class from hell got canceled after one class, which is just fine by me.  That was the class with the single little old lady at the tobacco institute.  What I forgot to mention was that at that single class right in the middle of giving the lesson I tripped and fell (pretty hard) on the ground and she started laughing at me.  Hopefully that's the reason the class got canceled.  No falling on the job.

A funny thing happened at the kindergarten this week.  I had to take the class to arts & crafts, (or as I like to call it arts & farts & crafts).  But in order to do that I had to unlock the door to get out of our room.  It's usually not locked and the Russian lock system is extremely confusing to a person who's used to normal things, like turning the lock counter-clockwise to unlock and vice-versa.  But of course its the opposite here and in my furious struggle to get the thing unlocked I got the key jammed.  The teacher came to help but she couldn't unjam it either.  So we were stuck in there.  People from outside the door tried to unjam it but they couldn't budge it either.  A very disheveled person from outside the school had to come in through the window with tools but he couldn't unjam it either!  So another worker with a huge beard came in through the window with a POWER SAW and had to saw the door off its hinges!!  It was absolutely hilarious.  He had the goggles on and there were sparks everywhere and smoke and the kids were going crazy and I was just laughing and laughing.  I am single handedly going to bring down the Russian infrastructure, one door at a time.

Ok thats all.  Until next time.

From Russia With Dave - 2/1/09

Hello, Hello, Hello

Just laying in bed on a lazy Sunday.  And from what I hear its Super Bowl Sunday?  I am way out of the loop.  I just found out who was in the Super Bowl a few days ago.  Arizona Cardinals??  Things have changed since I left I guess.

Well the Ruble (Russian currency) decreased in value once again this week.  When I first got here it was 24 Rubles to the dollar, now its around 36.  It's extremely popular for people here to buy dollars and put them under their mattress to safegaurd against their falling currency.  Putin says everything will be okay but he might just be putin everybody on.  Get it?  Another funny thing about the Russian economy is that it still very much cash-based.  I get paid in cash, a big stack full of Rubles, and I pretty much buy everything in cash.  And vendors usually expect you to have either exact change or close to exact change, cause for some reason people just hate giving out change.  And credit cards here are still a relatively new phenomena and most vendors are still pretty uncomfortable with them.  Usually when I hand someone a credit card to pay for something they look at it as if I just handed them a dead rodent.  Then they look as if it is the most tiresome and painful thing in the world to try and swipe it and wait for the receipt.  And the concept of having both a credit AND a debit card is way, way beyond them.  I tried explaining the difference to a couple people and they looked at me like I was speaking crazy talk.

Oh, and another thing, maybe the single most appaling aspect of Russian life for me....you have to PAY for grocery bags at the supermarket!

This week also marked the 65th anniversary of the end of the Leningrad blockade in WWII.  St. Petersburg (formerly called Leningrad) was beseiged by the Germans for just under 900 days during the war and in that time all kinds of hell and deprivation broke out in the city.  There are still plaques on the walls of some buildings warning people that this area is heavily bombed.  There wasn't any food or utilities so people had to resort to....well, put in a search for Leningrad blockade if you want to learn more.  So the Russian president visited the city and there were fireworks displays and the works.  Thankfully, there were no re-enactments.

I added a new class to my roster this week.  A tuesday morning class in the far out industrial suburbs which takes about an hour to get to and it starts at....7:30am!  Ouch.  So Tuesday mornings when I wake up at 5:30am I hate life for about 15 minutes before anything else happens.  And its just a single student, a little old plump granny lady who works at one of the largest tobacco companies in the world.  She's definitely smoked a few cigarettes in her day too.  Its called the Japanese Tobacco Institute - they own Winston and Camel brands among others.  But my Friday evening class is no longer which makes up a little for that Tuesday morning atrocity.

And last couple of things, I saw a different little old plump Russian granny get full-on splashed with dirty muddy ice water by a passing bus and then she started flipping out and cursing God and man alike in a shrill Russian voice which left me laughing for at least 15 minutes afterwards.  And a couple days ago at the supermarket I was checking out and leaving for the door, but the damn flimsy bag that I had to pay for broke and a bottle of wine and a huge jar of sweet pickles crashed everywhere.  I was stunned.  Everything stopped in the store and everybody looked at me.  Then everyone started speaking gibberish to me and pointing at this and that and I was just like, "Uh, so can I get some more pickles?"  Bastards made me buy more.  Any other food I wouldv'e just left but sweet pickles have become a firm staple of my Russian diet.  Gotta have those sweet pickles.

Alright that's all.  Have fun watching the Arizona Cardinals put on a shocking display of ineptitude.

From Russia With Dave - 1/25/09

10 weeks in the land of plenty!

Nothing extravagantly interesting happened this week so I'm gonna give you all a rundown on the typical Dave week in Old Mother Russia.

Monday:  Wake up at 7:30am (my cell phone is my alarm clock).  Hate life for about 5 minutes then go shower, put on some 80's music, look outside and decide how many layers I'm gonna wear.  Walk to the metro (about a 12 minute walk) in complete darkness and either in complete snow or complete slush.  Take a 10 minute metro ride full of the opposite of bright and bushy-tailed faces to the kindergarten.  Do the whole kindergarten bit - which is basically me awkwardly standing around, awkwardly giving "lessons", awkwardly taking the kids to arts & crafts or P.E., awkwardly telling the kids to do something and having them may me absolutely no mind and me not doing anything about it, awkwardly eating lunch, then awkwardly leaving.  Take the metro back to my place and spend an hour and a half being a vegetable before setting back out to teach 5 students at a rather large bank.  This class is easy, not to much preparation involved.  It's an intermediate class and the students are all in their late 20's-early 30's, 3 guys 2 girls, and there's a lot of joking around.  Like just last class one of the guys told me that when he was a young teenager, his computer wallpaper was a big mushroom cloud atom bomb with the words "America Must Die" written across it.  Haha, ain't that a good one!  He said he doesn't feel that way any more though.  Shucks.  Then I get back home around 8pm and depending on how I'm feeling, either prepare the lesson for next day's class, watch a movie, read, or hang out with my roommates.

Tuesday:  Same routine first part of the day.  When I get back home after kindergarten I usually spend an hour preparing a lesson for the night class.  Then I take the metro to my work's office to print out materials, make copies, and provide some comic relief to my fellow employees.  This night class is at a medical supply company called BioVitrum.  It's a little tougher class to teach.  It's advanced level, 5 students ranging from late 20's to late 50's, 4 guys and a girl, including the president of the company (who's bald, missing teeth, and his name's Vladimir, haha.)  We get along well but they're just a little more demanding in what they want to learn.  I also do a little extra work for them proofreading their English marketing materials and website.  They also like to drink and its not uncommon to have a little drink either before or after class.  I prefer before. 

Wednesday:  I have a morning class before kindergarten so I wake up at 6:30am.  And this time I hate life for about 10 minutes before getting ready.  The morning class is at the headquarters of Megafon, one of the largest cell phone companies in Russia.  It's just a single student conversation class, pretty easy.  It's the lawyer, remember the guy who's obsessed with the Terminator movies and the American tradition of turning people upside down and flushing the toilet on their head?  Then kindergarten and the like.  The night class is 2 older ladies who work at an insurance company.  Easy class, upper intermediate level.  It's at my work's office.  These ladies are often on business trips so there's often no class on Wednesday nights, which is just fine by me.

Thursday:  I do kindergarten until 12.  Then I leave early with another British girl named Heidi.  We eat lunch at the kindergarten cafeteria, which is delicious, then we take the metro to the elementary school to teach a bunch of 10 year old rascals.  She's got the smarter group and I have the criminals.  I "teach" these kids for about two and a half hours (one hour is watching a video thank god), with a break in between - which consists of them running up and down the halls screaming and wrestling and me just awkwardly standing their watching them hoping nobody important sees this vulgar display.  I leave at 4 and its an awkward time cause I don't have enough time to go home and its too early to go to my night class.  So I usually end up in a British pub called the Telegraph for about a half hour for a Heineken, some pistachios and to watch some sort of soccer game, which regrettably is the only thing they play on TV.  They do however play a lot of Bee Gees, Bob Seger, and Michael Jackson in there so I'm happy.  Then I have my same bank group from Monday.

Friday:  I have my morning class with the lawyer again, kindergarten, and then the night class at the same medical supply company but with different students.  These students are the menial workers there, the receptionists and sales people mostly.  They are more fun to work with cause they're not as demanding as the top brass I teach on Tuesdays.  There are also some very attractive girls in the class which is a distraction I wholeheartedly embrace.  So then it's Friday night.  A bittersweet Friday night because I have a 3 hour Business English class the next day.

Saturday:  Wake up around 10am, hate life for about 7 minutes, then get ready to go to yet another class.  I get to class an hour early to prepare for it, its at our main office which takes about a half hour to get to from my place.  This is a 3 hour Business English class with 5 students, 4 (attractive) girls and a guy (who's profession is creating security systems for nuclear power plants!).  It sounds hard on paper but its actually pretty easy.  They are a fun group and somehow, someway I teach them English to be used in business situations - such as business expressions ("The bottom line", "number crunching" etc.), how to sound more diplomatic with your emails and speech, negotiation language, and tons of business vocabulary.

Then finally my weekend starts and all hell breaks loose in St. Pete.  Then its Sunday and rarely do I leave my place on Sunday.  It's my lazy day.  My schedule is daunting right now but in a couple weeks I won't be teaching kindergarten anymore which will free up a ton of time and greatly reduce the awkwardness level I'm currently at.

Ok, thats all for now.  Bye.

From Russia With Dave - 1/18/09

Hello all.  Took a week off but now I'm back.

The holiday break is over and its back to work.  For some strange, ungodly reason, the work week started on Sunday just for the weekend after the break.  Yes, that's right, last Sunday was a workday for everyone, including me.  Sundays in general don't hold the same significance they do in the states.  People in general aren't very religious at all (just the little old ladies).  The Russian week begins on Monday whereas in the states it begins on Sunday, which is so far the only thing which I've found here which is more logical than in the states.  This was my first week of actually having to give lessons to the kindergarten kids.  I wouldn't really call what I give "lessons", I'd call it a series of questions about Spiderman in between compulsive glances at my watch.  I only have a few more weeks of kindergarten oh thank heaven (for 7-11).

I just bought a green acoustic guitar today.  Yeah, its green.  I also got a harmonica and one of those weird headgear things you attach a harmonica to so I can strum and blow the harmonica at the same time.  So now thats all I do is walk around our place with a guitar and harmonica to the delight or disturbance of all.

Some of my students took me out to the bars this week and proceeded to grill me about, you guessed it, Barack Obama.  Everyone is anticipating inauguration day and think he's gonna get assassinated.  I'm becoming pretty good friends with a number of my students.  I even went to a company party at the medical supply office I teach at and drank all the Bailey's Irish Cream out of Dixie cups my heart could enjoy.

On Russian Christmas (Jan. 7) - actually its called Orthodox Christmas.  It's only really observed by strictly religious people.  In other words all those little old ladies again.  Russians basically celebrate Christmas and New Years simultaneously.  The night of Dec. 31 is when Santa visits Russian children and gives them presents.  So on Orthodox Christmas I visited one of the many cathedrals here to witness what goes on in a proper Russian religious celebration.  In this Orthodox cathedral (much to my dismay) there were no seats.  Everyone stood in a very unorderly way while the Orthodox priest (huge beard and all) said his thing.  It was terrible, I was dying for a seat.  The smell and fog of incense and candles is overwhelming and there are lines of people waiting to kiss one of the many icons, or religioius images, hanging on the walls. 

Oh, and the weather has actually been quite nice recently.  It hasn't snowed in little over a week, the parks which used to be covered in snow now look normal again, and the rivers are are starting to look watery.  However people tell me that February is usually the coldest month, so don't get too excited.  Kind of an "eye of the storm" situation.  But it is nice only having to wear one pair of gloves and socks.

Alright that's about all.  I'm rolling along smoothly here.

From Russia With Dave - 1/5/09

FREEZING!

It's about 10 degrees out right now.  Just got back from a 2 hour walk around the city and I cant talk cause my face 100% numb.  The Christmas/New Years mood is still going strong here.  The streets are packed with people taking pictures and feeding the ducks.  I am sorry to say that my plan for cooking a turkey was scrapped at the last minute to be replaced by cooking a New Years...TROUT.  So we had trout on new years and it was delicious.  Speaking of New Years, it was insane here.  It is by far the biggest holiday of the year and St. Petersburgers were out in full force.  Most of the main streets were closed and people of every race, creed, and religion were walking around everywhere like crazy people.  Everyone congregates near the Winter Palace and there was a big stage set up with Santa Claus DJ'ing and light shows and drunk people.  Right before New Years we were all treated to a speech on the big screen from the president of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev, and then right after the whole place broke into the Russian national anthem.  I was the only one laughing.  I really felt like trying to get a USA!  USA! chant going.  Either that or start "The Wave".  The party went on til sometime the next day and then when I woke up, it was January 3rd.  The next couple days were spent walking around and taking pictures of the city like everyone else, visiting some museums and cathedrals like everyone else, and walking on top of the frozen Neva river (terrifying!).  The sun was out for a day and there was a spectacular sunset.  Yes, it was real and it was spectacular, just like that Seinfeld episode.  

One of my roommates has had 3 of her Siberian friends staying with us (2 guys and a girl).  None of them speak English and when I say "Hello" to them they grunt like a wild animal and retreat like cockroaches in the light.  Though I did have to help them put one of our doors back on its hinges and watching us trying to communicate on what to do and where to put the door was like watching an episode of Mork and Mindy but with Mindy speaking the same way as Mork.

Yesterday we all went snowboarding out in the Russian wilderness somewhere.  We were driving in what seemed like pure snow for miles around and along the way we had to help no fewer than two cars who had driven off the road and were stuck.  I was the only one laughing.  The lifts they use to get you up the mountain are much different than the ones I'm accustomed to.  There's no seats, its just a bar you have to put between your legs than ride your board up the mountain.  The first time I used I tried to sit on it and fell straight on my ass and they had to stop the whole lift so I could get up and try again.  Then halfway up the mountain I lost balance, fell straight on my ass again with the bar still between my legs and proceeded to be dragged up the mountain for about 7 seconds until they had to stop the entire lift again so I could gain some much needed composure.  Needless to say me snowboarding didn't last for a long time.  After I caught word that there was an innertubing slope I ran, not walked, to it and spent the rest of the day tubing to my hearts delight.  Afterwards we drove to a city called Pushkin where there are some very impressive imperial palaces.  We all had been drinking hot red wine with spices (delicious) so one of the persons mothers came and picked us up and along the way she wouldn't stop asking me about what kind of fairy tales I was told as a kid (all through translators).  All I could think of was Hansel & Gretel and Rumpelstiltsken.  And when I said the word Rumpelstiltsken they all looked at me as if I had something crawling on my face.  Answering questions about fairy tales was a welcome change from the constant "Do I agree with Iraq war" and "What do you think of Obama" questions I get almost on a daily basis from every new Russian I meet.

Alright, thats all, hope everyone had a good New Year.  Now I'm gonna go back to giving my roommates a proper education on American culture, in other words, making them watch all the Rocky movies against their will.  Especially Rocky 4 against the big Soviet.  USA!  USA!

From Russia With Dave - 12/30/08

The Cold Edition.

This last week it started getting really cold.  It's around 20-25 degrees out right now and dropping by the minute.  My normal outfit is one pair of regular socks, regular underwear, a thermal long sleeve shirt, collared shirt over it, a heavy jacket, mittens, ear muffs, and a bright red nose.  So far it's doing the trick.  Red noses are everywhere.  However, oddly enough, yesterday there was Sunshine for the whole day which is pretty much the first time I've seen what the sun looks like since I've been here.  I never knew how much I took the sun for granted.  I was at the Hermitage again, this time with my other roommate, then we went to the top of the largest cathedral here and got a nice sunset view of the city.  I also encountered my first American tourists in the cathedral and it was funny I could spot them a mile away.  Baseball hats, athletic gear, Converse shoes, talking really loud.  I loved it.  I wish I saw more of them.  Which reminds me I'm gonna watch Rocky tonight. 

My kindergarten class put on its Xmas holiday performance this last week.  I was in the audience with all the parents taking photos.  The performance was half in Russian half in English.  And by the end of it, Santa came out and led the class in a big conga line which devolved into a big chaotic fiasco with more than one of the students ending up face down crying and the rest of them trying to dogpile Santa.  I was the only one laughing in the audience.  Funny enough, one of the songs they performed was "Yankee Doodle Dandy".  From what I've seen young Russian kids are not very different than American kids.  They wear the same clothes, which basically consists of head to toe Spiderman gear, are interested in the same things, which means portable video game players, and they act the same way, which is to say out of control.  These kids are awash in American culture and it will be interesting to see how Russia will become once these kids grow up, all of them speaking English and being raised on all things American. 

Oh, and of course, the first time a kid asked me to help him cut something with scissors I ended up cutting myself instead and had to get a band-aid from the school nurse.  It was terrific.

My one-on-one English class with the lawyer from a large cell phone company, which used to consist of conversations about politics, enconomics, and culture, has devolved into conversations about James Bond, The Terminator movies, how the Die Hard films are translated in Russian, and how it's possible that in American movies people are able to put someone upside down and flush the toilet on their head.

My students from the bank I teach at took me out on the town for Christmas day.  We went to an Irish pub and basically discussed the same issues I mentioned above.  For some reason Russians are infatuated with the American custom of turning people upside down and flushing the toilet on their head.

I am planning on cooking an American style New Years turkey with all the fixings in a couple days for my roommates and their friends.  Has anyone ever seen that Mr. Bean episode where he's trying to cook a turkey but he ends up getting it stuck on his head and he walks around with a turkey on his head?  I haven't either, but I heard about it, and there's a good possibility of that happening.  Either way there's absolutely no chance that anything will taste like its supposed to.  Russians don't have the tradition of eating turkey for celebrations and I can't imagine Russia having high quality turkeys either.  Actually when I mentioned it to someone the other day they thought I meant we were going to Turkey instead of eating turkey.

I'm learning a little bit of Russian but my original plan of actually learning the language has flown out the window along with my plan going to a Russian barber.  I can speak the basic phrases and basic words when I need to, but its actually kind of fun not knowing the language and going through the song and dance to be understood.  Plus there's usually always someone there who can translate for me. 

Oh, and last thing, yesterday as I was walking to work there was someone sitting on a park bench with an animal on a leash next to him on the bench.  It wasn't a dog, it wasn't a cat, it wasn't a hamster, it was a small BEAR.

Happy New Year everyone!

From Russia With Dave - 12/21/08

I've been in Russia for 5 weeks now and somehow someway funny things have a way of finding me.  Maybe it's because I'm the guy walking around with the bright orange umbrella...

This was my first week working in the kindergarten.  Within 5 minutes of my entering the classroom for the first time they informed me they were getting a "clown" for a kids birthday and then all of a sudden I heard horns and whistles and there appeared not a clown like I was expecting but a superhero looking guy in full body red spandex, a black cape, and a black painted mask.  He started running around the room like a crazy man and the kids just Exploded.  It was absolute complete chaos and I was just standing there worried that I left a trail of mud in the room.  There are 20 kids in the class and there were no lessons this week or next week because they're practicing for their Christmas musical performance.  So I've basically just been awkardly standing around the whole time and acting as the "prop guy" for the kids play.  And for 6-7 year olds this musical they're doing is what I would call extremely complicated.  It looks as if they had professional ballet choreographers for every famous classical music piece you can think of.  Watching rehearsal is like watching the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics on repeat.  And I'm the prop guy.  There are 2 other teachers in the class, one of whom speaks English, the other of whom is one of those big ol' Russian ladies.  Oh, and this class has its own private cook who makes breakfast and lunch for the students and teachers, including me.  So in the mornings I eat what they call "porridge" everyday which is basically lumpy cream of wheat with no brown sugar, and for lunches there's always a soup, which they call "boullion" - sometimes its borshct which I inhale like a wild animal.  Then they have a "second course" which is usually some sort of mystery meatballs, pink mashed potatoes and what they call "salad" but which is actually just one vegetable diced up.  Nonetheless I devour everything not really cause I want to, but because I'm afraid of what they'll do if I don't.  Also there's a rule that there's no talking while eating so I just sit there eating soup with the two other teachers in complete silence listening to the whole class loudly slurping.  I have had to use all my will power not to break out in very loud laughter many times. 

This is my last week of classes until Jan. 12.  All Russia shuts down for the first 2 weeks of January to celebrate New Years and the Russian Xmas - which is on Jan. 7th.  (Their calender was always 13 days behind everyone elses calendar until 1917 so they still celebrate Xmas on the old calendar day). 

We had our work holiday party last night and it was hilarious.  There were about 150 people there (all various workers of the school and its affiliates).  I was in shirt and tie and there was all the free champagne and cognac one could want.  I've heard a lot about how Russians toast but this exceeded all expectations.  There was a microphone and an emcee (who midway through the night was dressed up as a PIRATE), and people were always barging up to come make a speech (all in Russian) and inevitably a toast.  There must've been 50 toast throughout the night.  And each time you're basically required to drink for the toasts.  The only thing larger than the amount of alcohol they drink at parties is the amount of food they consume.  There were about 6 different times when I thought the main course had been served only to find that there was larger, more exotic cuisine yet to come.  Oh, and I can now say that I've eaten cow tongue.  Actually, I can say that I've eaten 3 cow tongues.  They were quite delicious, they tasted like chicken (tongues).  They also called up all the new employees, including me, to the front and made them all drink a huge mug of champagne.  At least they didn't make me give a speech cause God knows what kind of riot that would've caused.  And the best part of it was that everyone there (excluding me cause I was so new) had to do a skit or musical performance in front of the whole group.  So there were all these old Russian ladies doing period-piece musical acts and getting really into it.  Then of course there were the 2 Scottish guys who did an interpretation of the old classic we call the YMCA.  And then at the end of the night the whole thing devolved into a big dance party.  Old and young alike were in a huge circle dancing it up and people would be going into the middle to show their best stuff.  So of course I went in the middle and started doing what I thought was the Robot, but what really was me jerking around like a rabid dog.  So that was fun.

 But all in all I'm having a good time here and its been easier to cope with than I expected.  Once you get used to the relative inefficiency and damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-dont attitude that is the Russian way of life its easy to just go with the flow.  More people speak English than I had thought which is nice.  In the businesses I teach its amazing to learn how frequently English is used in international business.  If a Russian does business with a German, they speak English, if a Russian does business with a Chinese person, they speak English, and on and on.  Whenever people are communicating with people outside of their own country, they're using English.  I love it.  Takes the hassle out of trying to learn new languages.  One thing I do miss is the constant good cheer and optimism of Americans.  It's amazing how many people say how optimistic I am and I guess its just that good old American breeding.

Ok enough already.  There's a good chance that next time I'll be including some pictures.  Or maybe the time after that.

Merry Christmas everyone.  And I'll just leave you with the disturbing fact that in Russia, Santa Claus HAS A DAUGHTER!

From Russia With Dave - 11/30/08

Hello all, got week 2 in the land of plenty under my belt.

Had my first Russian lesson with a big 'ol Russian lady who looks like Santa Claus.  And I'm the only student.  I feel like Borat when I speak Russian.  I also had my first meal at the local McDonalds.  Although of course I ordered 2 Egg McMuffins and I got 2 Sausage McMuffins.  Nonetheless the taste of America was simply breathtaking.  There is a reason why every McDonalds is packed to the brim everywhere around the world.  I also visited my first Russian public swimming pool, which consisted of crazy Russians seemingly on steroids doing Olympic size laps, wearing goggles, speedos and a one of those silly water hats, with a very masculine Russian lady with a whistle barking orders in Martian, I mean Russian.  And yes, I had to wear one of those silly water hats in order to enter the pool.  I was also the only without speedos, which I'm very proud of.  The second best part of that experience was the fact that I had to get a physical examination from another big 'ol Russian lady before entering the pool, and the best part of the experience was the fact that I had to change and shower (mandatory) in a locker room full of naked Russians having very animated conversation.  Anyone ever see Eastern Promises?  Yeah, THAT scene.  There was a Russian there trying to talk to me, and he spoke hardly any English and I speak hardly any Russian and watching us try to communicate was like watching a scene from Planet of the Apes.

Got a new student I'm teaching.  He's the chief lawyer of the largest cell phone company in Russia.  We sit and talk politics and economics at 8am, which is usually about an hour after I get to sleep.  Permanent jet-lag remember?  My control over the elementary class I'm teaching has now completely vanished and our classes now resemble a Federico Fellini film.  The only English they practice is Darth Vader quotes, which I gladly allow.

And a word about the Russian metros.  For a people who have a lot of practice standing in lines they sure aren't good at it.  First of all, upon entering the metro station its a given that at least 3 out of every 4 doors will be broken or locked up, which means that there are hundreds upon hundreds of Russians trying to squeeze through one door, and everybody's in a hurry.  With me right in the middle.  It's like a deranged rock concert.  People are pushing and shoving, then the whole crowd sways one way, then the whole crowd sways the other way, old ladies and men included, they're the most ferocious.  If somebody falls in that chaos, they are a goner.  Now I know what that Wal-Mart worker must've felt like right before he bought the farm.

Also just visited The Hermitage today in the Winter Palace, one of the best museums in the world.  I was with a group of Russians and I had to pretend like I was Russian to get a discount, which basically just meant I had to not say a word and have my face look like I just swallowed battery acid.  The place is amazing.  And right at closing time, while there are still a bunch of people inside, they shut off most of the lights, and of course when that happened I was in the ancient Egypt room so I was absolutely terrified.  I had to find my way back in almost complete darkness, hoping I wouldn't knock over a mummified corpse. 

The weather was actually very nice this week, for Russia that is.  No big snow yet.

And I saw my 3rd smile from a Russian national since I've been here.  It was astonishing.  It was like seeing a ghost.  Smiles are a hot commodity here.

And I think I'm also starting to have Mexican withdrawals.  My body does not cope well to seeing the entire staff of a McDonalds be comprised of white people.  That just ain't right.

Alright thats all.  Til next time.

From Russia With Dave - 11/24/08

This is the first FRWD letter I wrote way back in Nov. 2008.  Man was I green back then.

I arrived last Saturday with minimal hassle.  The Istanbul airport and St. Petersburg airport both had English translations for everything.  Thank God for British colonialism!  There were no goats walking around in the Istanbul airport in case any of you were wondering, but there were plenty of Starbucks.  Thank God for globalization!

I guess they knew I was coming cause there were fireworks over the city the night I arrived in St. Pete on my $100+ cab ride.  I live on the 4th floor of a pretty nice apartment complex and I have a good view of the main street outside.  I have my own room (very well heated I might add) and I live with 2 Russian girls.  (Yes!)  I didn't know that human beings existed in Siberia but I guess I was wrong cause one of my roommates is a bona fide Siberian.  She's a brand manager for a Russian tech company and is applying to go for her masters in London.  The other one is an English teacher as well and likes to cook deliciously aromatic food at 3 in the morning, which is fine with me cause I've accepted the fact that I'll have jet-lag for the entire duration of my stay here.  They both speak near perfect English, with a few verbal faux pas here and there which I never fail to chuckle at.  We have a good relationship here and me and the Siberian have been patronizing the nearest Japanese and Indian restaurants like a couple of jet-setters.  There is a McD's, Pizza Hut, Subway, KFC, and Baskin Robbins near my place.  As you'd expect those establishments are always PACKED.  And for the question you've all been wondering...there is no TV.

As for my English classes, they are random.  One of them is 2 ladies who work at an insurance company.  I teach them at the main office.  Another is 6 employees of a vitamin manufacturing company, I go to the company to teach them business english. Another is 6 employees of a large bank.  I go to the the bank also to teach them and I have a bank pass which I pass over lazer monitors to be let in.  Needless to say that place is getting robbed within the month.  These places are located around the city so I get to see the different parts of the city when going there.  I use the metro to go everywhere. And the last one, this is my favorite....I teach at a RUSSIAN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.  Yes, I am teaching English to Russian 10 year olds.  They've already had a couple years of English so they know an okay amount, but of course, my class is made up of most of the MISBEHAVED children.  I have Russian kids running around all over the place.  For break (which I guess this is a standard practice from what I've seen)  the students in all the classes basically have a recess in the hallway and run around and wrestle and cause all kinds of havoc right in the school hallway and all the teachers just stand around and talk with each other, which is just fine with me.  To shut them up I just pop in the latest Aladdin or Wallace and Gromit installment. There are about 6 other native English speakers working at this school - 2 Americans and the rest English or Scottish. 

Snow is beginning to fall, the rivers and canals are starting to freeze over and its getting COLD, but I think the most alarming development of my stay in Russia is that I've taken up a healthy tea habit.

Alright that's all for now.  Happy Thanksgiving (whenever that is).  Until next week