Thursday, August 9, 2012

From Russia With Dave - 8/9/2012

Back after one month y'all, or you guys, or people.  One month.  Maybe a little more.  But less than one year.

Looking out my window now at a deceptively sunny day, deceptive blue sky and sunshine deception.  Yes Petersburg weather I remember yesterday when I looked out and saw the exact same image, decided to go sunbathe on the lawn in front of St. Isaac's, was laying face-up, shirtless, Banana Boat on my body, feeling the warmth and rays of what summer should feel like, not a care in the world, drifting in my happy place... and BOOM spontaneous combustion-like pouring rain pelting me on the face.  Black clouds and sheer misery.  I haphazardly packed my shit up like a ballerina on a pogo stick and swiftly skedaddled on home, drenched.  No sooner had I got home, dried off, cuddled in my bed with massive blanket and pillow action, giving up on any idea of outside activities for the day, when BOOM bright shiny sunshine appeared, virtually cloudless skies, blistering warmth.  As if rain hadn't been seen here since the days of old magic.  I was extremely comfortable in my bed but I didn't want to miss an opportunity to get some more sun on my vitamin D-deprived skin.  Packed up my shit, made some food, lingered a bit longer in my room like a ballerina in a room full of mirrors when BAM torrential rains.  Like a snap of the finger the world became gray and merciless.  People-scattering-like-
roaches RAIN.  As if it was all a joke, or a riddle, or sudoku.  To make a longer story shorter after another 45 minutes or so the sun was back out again smiling away like nothing ever happened, then the sun and rain were out together like bosom buddies (Tom Hanks, Peter Scolari) then everybody and everything just gave up and went to the bar.  

Though gripe as I may, Petersburg, your unpredictability is what keeps me here day after day.

What else has been going on?  I'll tell you what else has been going, a whole lot of karaoke, that's what's been going on.  My Petersburg friends reading this will laugh as I describe the bar that has become such an integral part of our lives - POISON.  Yes in the drunk district of Petersburg there lies a little alcove of rock n' roll karaoke goodness called Poison.  Small, dark, damp, smoky place who's claim to fame is free karaoke, ALL in English, all night long (closes at 7am).  This has become a kind of summer cottage for me, room and board included.  Why do I like to go there?  Well, there's not a lot of things more entertaining in the world than hearing a bunch of drunk Russians sing at the top of their lungs "My Heart Will Go On", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Hit the Road Jack", "Barbie Girl", "Thunderstruck", or some damn Nickelback song.  Especially if they get hand and hip movements involved.  Why else do I like to go there?  Because there's also not a lot of things more entertaining than listening to MYSELF singing "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)", "Stuck in the Middle With You", "Dancing With Myself", "Sweet Child O' Mine", "Twist and Shout" or some damn Ronnie James Dio song.  Especially if hand and hip movements are involved (which they inevitably are).  It's really funny when I get really into it (usually around 3am), singing from the depths of my soul, eyes closed, neck veins popping, fists pumping, and microphone twirling.  Poisoned.  And some devilish wise guy put a disgusting 24hr fast food place right next to it.  Oh yes...

Turning now to politics.  Vladimir Putin is once again skipper aboard the cruise liner Mother Russia and the knots of society are being tightened.  Honestly though I have mixed feelings about Uncle Putin.  On the one hand I understand that during his time in power he has done some substantially good things for Russia and Russians to which he should be given credit for, but on the other hand I can see the classic situation of time immemorial of a leader getting drunk with power and thinking that "no one else has the ability to run this country except me."  And actually I wouldn't mind having a beer with him, but then again I wouldn't mind having a beer with practically anybody (except Colin Firth and Ewen MacGregor).  I guess only time can tell what the ultimate results of the Putin Era will be but I have a feeling history's not gonna be too kind to Uncle Vlad if he continues tightening the knots.  In the past few months legislation has been passed restricting homosexual activities (in St. Petersburg and a few other cities so far), certain internet sites, unauthorized rallies, and non-governmental organizations funded from abroad.  I'll just give two kinda ridiculous examples of these laws being put into use.  The St. Petersburg parliament initially gave consent for the cities first authorized gay event to be held way out in the outskirts of the city.  Then about a week later and only two days before the event they turned around and revoked the authorization.  Why?  Well the law in place is against "homosexual propaganda directed at minors".  The parliament argued that the organizers got an authorization to hold a rally "against the discrimination and beatings of homosexuals" but, according to them, the organizers of the rally advertised it as a "gay pride" parade in newspapers that might be seen by minors.  Authorization revoked.  And 8 people were arrested who still showed up.

Another example of these laws in (counter-productive) action.  Recently it was the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death and a small stationary gathering was held outside the US consulate in memory of MJ.  Just a bunch of MJ fans paying their respects.  But it was hastily dispersed by police because it was an "unauthorized rally" and didn't have approval from City Hall.  The officers thought they were being "Bad" and told them to "Beat It", they didn't care if you were "Black or White".  The MJ fans said "Leave Me Alone", we're not "Smooth Criminals", we just wanna "Jam" and try to "Heal the World".  The officers then asked if they "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" and told them to "Remember the Time" when we put your friends in a horrifying jail cell.  The fans responded that it was only "Human Nature" to celebrate MJ's life but the officers cut them off and said hey if you wanna look at the "Man in the Mirror" and see splotchy red blotches on your face then  "Give In To Me".  The fans dispersed like a "Speed Demon".

Last juicy morsel before I leave.  Usually in Russia you have problems with the hot water being shut off for one reason or another.  If any of you remember I had some interesting experiences with cold showers in winter when I first arrived.  So last week I was alone in the flat and thought to myself "self, how 'bout a little body cleansing action?"  So I decided to hop on in the shower for a few minutes of unadulterated refreshment.  BUT on this particular day at this particular hour the COLD water was shut off and I was treated to a burning, scalding hot shower.  I could only put my hand under the water for a moment and splash it on my face.  Scalding.  BUT, and I shit you not, in the middle of this hell-fire torturous refreshment, the COLD water was suddenly switched on and the hot water was suddenly switched OFF.  Hell-fire torment turned into glacial frostbite in a matter of seconds.  I was like a ballerina on speed doing the Macarena trying to adjust to the sudden, drastic change in temperature.  Flesh wiggling about and contorting in such a way previously unknown to mankind.  Later I learned there was a plumber outside tinkering with the water controls.  Haha, good one dude, you got me there...

Though gripe as I may, Petersburg, your unpredictability is what keeps me here day after day.

Until next time

9 comments:

  1. What kinda fast food is next to the karaoke place? I want to picture drunk Dave shoveling specific types of fried foods into your mouth. Botch!!

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    1. If you know the food Shaverma (or sometimes Shawarma) then there ya go. Non-stop shawarmas being shoveled into my face with me oblivious to my actions. And sometimes there's an extra special treat when I decorate the Shawarma bathroom with mult-colored gastro-intestinal bits of, you guessed it, Shawarma.

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    2. For some reason instead of Shawarma I get an image of Dave sitting on a torn couch in the Loyola house with his shirt off eating a week old In-N-Out Double Double and fries as a mouse runs past his feet on the wood floor......don't ask me where that image came from.

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    3. Ohhhh man if only there was In-N-Out here. It'd probably be called In-N-Never-Get-Out.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Dave Dave, Russian Dave!

    What is most important to me is why you wouldn't want to have a beer with Colin Firth? ;)

    And lets not kid ourselves about that shower...you were trying to wash your roommates food off your face.

    Keep up the awesome Russian Ramblings, I look forward to them!

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    1. Speaking of eating roommates food... I was caught the other night cooking up the roomies ravioli... with no pants on.

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  4. Not bad. Sometimes looks like the "Rum Diary".

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  5. What for did you go to Peter? To write this stories? Then better to go to any farm
    If you have own border you couldnt see more,sorry

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